Equip: Build your own pack

One of the strangest things about getting older is discovering some of the relationships you thought were permanent were actually connected to your circumstances.

Your job created relationships. Your children created relationships. Your neighborhood created relationships. Your kids played baseball, so you knew the other baseball parents. Your husband worked with certain people, so you knew their spouses. You went to the office every day, so there was always somebody to eat lunch with.

Then life changes. You retire. The kids grow up. People move. Friends get sick. Some die.

Suddenly, you look around and realize something nobody warned you about. When you’re young, relationships often happen automatically. When you’re older, they don’t.

Relationships require more work now

I’ve been a pastor for 25 years, and I’ve done more funerals than I ever imagined I would. One thing I’ve noticed is some people reach the end of their lives with surprisingly small circles, especially men. Somewhere along the way, they stopped putting in the social effort.

They stopped calling people. They stopped accepting invitations and showing up. Eventually, there weren’t many people left to call.

Now, I don’t say that to frighten anybody. I say it because loneliness is not always something that just happens to us. Sometimes, little by little, we participate in creating it.

We get tired. We don’t feel like going. We say “no” to the invitation or, “Maybe next time.”

We get in the habit of staying home. We say we don’t want to bother anybody. We assume other people are busy. We wait for somebody else to call. Before long, our world gets smaller.

There are certainly seasons when pulling back is necessary. If you’re caring for a sick spouse, recovering from surgery, grieving a loss, or dealing with physical limitations, you may not have the energy you once had. That’s not failure.

But there is a difference between needing a smaller pace and choosing a smaller life.

We were made for fellowship

There is a deeper reason relationships matter as we grow older. We were made for them. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit exist in perfect relationship with one another. Because we are made in the image of a relational God, we were not designed to live disconnected lives.

That’s true of friendship and family. And it’s especially true of the church.

Christian fellowship is more than being in the same room with other Christians. It’s more than having people to eat with or people you enjoy talking to. Those things are good, but Christian fellowship is greater. It is people who are united by their relationship with Jesus Christ, encouraging one another to follow him.

We pray for one another. We bear one another’s burdens. We encourage one another when faith gets difficult. We remind one another of what is true when the world around us gets noisy. We serve together. We worship together. That’s why the church matters so much in the second half of life.

Some of your built-in relationships may have disappeared. But the body of Christ is still your community. And you aren’t just receiving something from that community. You help make it a community.

Relationships have to become more intentional

After the automatic relationships of work and child-rearing fade, you have to build your own pack.

That may mean joining a Sunday School class or at least showing up each week as you’re able. It may mean having coffee with somebody once a week. It may mean inviting the neighbors over for dinner. It may mean calling an old friend. It may mean saying “yes” when somebody invites you to lunch, even though your first instinct is to say “no.”

I saw this recently when an older couple visited my church for the first time. Another couple asked, “Would you like to join us for lunch at Cracker Barrel after church?” To which the visitors replied, “We hate Cracker Barrel.” They missed the point, and they didn’t receive another invitation after that.

Sometimes, aging well means doing something as simple as answering the phone. Sometimes, it means being the one who makes the call. I know what you’re thinking: “But what if they don’t call me back?” They might not. Call again.

“What if they don’t invite me?” Invite them.

“What if I feel awkward?” You probably will. Do it anyway. You’re not being needy. You’re being human.

You have to show up

Here’s the thing about relationships: You don’t have to be the most interesting person in the room. You just have to show up.

So, don’t disappear. Don’t wait until you feel lonely to start building relationships. Don’t assume you’re bothering people. And if your circle has gotten smaller, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just start rebuilding, one conversation or invitation at a time.

Remember: Your purpose in this season of life isn’t only about what you are going to do. It is also about who you are going to do it with and who you can help along the way.

You have more than experience. You have wisdom somebody else needs. You can encourage a younger believer, welcome someone who is new, sit with someone who is grieving, or simply notice the person sitting alone. You have a story of God’s faithfulness to share. Don’t underestimate how valuable that can be to someone.

The Bible says, “Two are better than one,” and after enough birthdays, most of us understand why. We were never meant to do life alone.

So, build your pack. And if you already have one, look around. There may be somebody nearby who needs an invitation to join. Be the person who makes it.

Schuyler Peterson is a native Texan and the senior pastor of Southside Baptist Church in Spartanburg, S.C. He has been a professor and writer and speaks to senior adult groups and civic clubs. His latest book, Growing Bolder and Wiser, is available on Amazon. The views expressed in this resource article are those of the author.