Voices: Reduce the pressure on ministry families

Imagine a television series that could fully explain how certain professions, vocations, or career choices really work in real life. Not what you see on television or in the movies, but real life.

Prospective attorneys would find their actual time in a courtroom is a small part of their working week. Actors and doctors are required to show up and complete their assignments no matter how they feel. Chefs and bakers work at odd hours of the day and night. Nurses and EMTs don’t always get a 9-to-5, Monday-through-Friday schedule.

Think about this: No one wants a sullen, grumpy dentist in the morning, do they?

On Sunday morning, church attendees expect the same of ministers, don’t they?

These expectations reach to the minister’s family, too.

Recent statistics report over 70 percent of pastors are depressed, 80 percent are discouraged, and 94 percent of ministers’ families feel the pressure of the ministry.

Consider the minister’s spouse. Did the spouse of a minister realize in advance the challenges to be faced and just how important the spouse’s role is in the ministry? What was the extent of the spouse’s training or knowledge of what was in store?

Research says there was no training except for “on the job” training for the spouse of a newly ordained clergy member. The spouse has to learn the good and the bad from day one. It’s complete trial and error on a daily basis.

Spouses respond

We reached out to some wives of active pastors to see what they liked and what they disliked about their role in their church ministry.

We asked, “What are some examples of the ‘good’ part of being the wife of a pastor?” They responded:

• Being able to support my husband’s ministry and his calling to the ministry.
• Interacting with people I would not have met otherwise.
• To be able to share my husband’s joy when he has a ministry “win.”
• The love I feel we experience as a church family.
• I feel privileged to be able to support my husband in a godly vocation.
• Our lives are never dull.

Those are indeed good, but what do they say are some of the “bad” elements of being the spouse of a pastor?

• My husband is taken for granted.
• I cannot vent to members of our church about my feelings, problems, or emotions.
• Many members hold us at arm’s distance and forget we are humans.
• People tend to forget we can have problems—financial, personal, family—as well.
• Members placing us in a “God” spot and expecting perfection from us.
• We are expected to “turn the other cheek” no matter what is said to us.

These statements come directly from the wives of active pastors. Husbands of women serving in ministry may give the same or similar responses.

One comment about the “bad” was expressed by the majority of those who responded: “The expectations placed upon my husband and our family by those in the church who complain to do the things they won’t do or attempt to help with.”

Addressing the pressures

Being a minister puts a lot of pressure on the minister’s family in many forms. No one wants to be treated as a servant or one of the “hired hands.” But you can see by some of the negative comments that ministry is not always a bed of roses.

Neither the minister nor the minister’s family should be scrutinized for having feelings just like the rest of us. Their leadership comes from a human perspective with the urging and guidance of the Holy Spirit.

The minister’s family may have children or other family members dealing with issues just like our own. They are not immune to earthly problems just because they have a heavenly calling.

The average church organizes committees for just about everything, but how many committees or groups are charged with providing some support to the minister’s family? Maybe the personnel committee. Maybe.

Does the minister’s family have small children? If so, could someone suggest a rotation of babysitters for a date night for the minister and spouse?

Some of the comments we read suggested lunch on Sunday after church was often tedious and not always comfortable. Could we figure out how to provide an easy and casual Sunday lunch for them at their home?

Who in your congregation is experienced in home repairs? Why not make it easy for the minister or minister’s spouse to reach out to someone they can trust for the repair issues that often create a load of stress?

Be ready to help, not hurt

Romans 12:13 reminds us: “When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be ready to practice hospitality” (NIV).

The church body has a moral, as well as a Christian, obligation to support all of the church leadership with positive and helpful solutions, not negative hurts or petty opinions based on limited information or selfish reasons.

All of us in the church body should earnestly strive to be a part of the solution, not part of the problem. It is the responsibility of the church body to be considerate of the church leadership and their families. It should be a group effort, not just the sole responsibility of the pastor.

Remember: Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Ministers and their families need your help, love, and support, not condemnation for being humans. We all need to make it better for them.

Peary Perry is an author and husband, father, grandfather and great-grandfather. To learn more about him, you can visit www.pearyperry.com or email him confidentially at [email protected]. The views expressed in this resource article are those of the author.