Equip: A dangerous pastoral prayer: Soft heart, tough skin

As a seminary student, I thought I knew what ministry would be like. I knew it would be challenging at times, but I figured I could be ready for it.

I still remember the prayer I prayed more than once during those years of preparation, “Lord, give me a soft heart and a tough skin.”

Doesn’t that sound profound? Brilliant, right?

With a soft heart, I can help the people who are hurting, and with a tough skin, I can handle the people who are difficult. I asked God to give me those things in ministry, because I knew I would need them.

In my pride, I thought I could make sure I was ready for “real” ministry. In my naïveté, I thought I was showing great wisdom in my prayer. I didn’t realize how dangerous that prayer was.

Most of our prayers are safe. We ask God to bless our day, protect our families and meet our needs. Those are good prayers to pray, but they are easy. Blessings always are welcome.

The prayers that transform us in unexpected ways are the dangerous prayers, like praying for patience.

Understand, “dangerous prayers” are not dangerous because God is mean, but because he is faithful. When we pray them sincerely, he answers in ways that stretch us, refine us and sometimes even break us so he can rebuild us.

Even as a student, I knew ministry is sacred work, but it is not easy work. When I asked God to give me a soft heart and a tough skin, I had no idea what I really was asking for. God did answer my prayers, but he did it over many years.

Being softened and toughened

For a human heart to be soft, it must be broken a few times. When friends turn against you, when plans fail, when people misunderstand you or gossip about you, when beloved congregants pass away, those experiences can break your heart.

Like a chef using a mallet to tenderize meat, pain and loss can beat on you long enough to soften your heart eventually.

At the same time, skin becomes tough when it comes up against things that rub it the wrong way.

The process by which skin toughens is called “hyperkeratosis,” which is a protective reaction to repeated friction, pressure or irritation. That pressure or irritation stimulates the growth of extra keratin-filled cells in the epidermis, forming thick, hardened areas like calluses and corns.

For me to have tough skin, I had to encounter some difficult people who caused friction and pressure in my life.

God answered my prayers and gave me that soft heart and tough skin, but he took a long time to accomplish it. He let people break my heart and bring stress or conflict into my life. He was faithful to me and gave me what I need and what I had asked for. Um, thank you? What was I thinking? I asked for this!

A pastor stands at the intersection of people’s greatest joys and deepest sorrows. A pastor is entrusted with proclaiming eternal truth and carrying the weight of people’s darkest secrets. A pastor is a shepherd, public speaker, businessperson, motivator, leader, counselor, minister, visionary, philanthropist, creative, an organizer and a mentor.

The pastor leads a church family through both harmony and conflict, bright days and dark nights, times of plenty and times of want. To do this well, a pastor must have a soft heart and tough skin.

Why a soft heart matters

A pastor’s heart must remain tender toward God and people. Without compassion, ministry becomes cold and transactional. Without sensitivity, sermons lose their edge of grace.

A soft heart allows a pastor to:

• Feel deeply the burdens of his flock. Like the Apostle Paul who carried the churches in his heart (2 Corinthians 11:28), the pastor must care enough to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice (Romans 12:15).

• Stay teachable before God. Spiritual pride hardens the heart, but humility keeps a pastor dependent on the Spirit’s guidance.

• Respond with grace instead of bitterness. A soft heart forgives quickly, blesses enemies and sees even critics as people in need of Christ’s love.

Why tough skin matters

At the same time, no pastor can survive long in ministry without developing resilience. Criticism, misunderstanding, gossip and betrayal are inevitable. The pastor must not let every harsh word pierce his soul.

Tough skin allows him to:

• Endure rejection without quitting. Even Jesus was despised and rejected, yet he stayed on mission.

• Stand firm in truth when the world (or the congregation) pushes back. True shepherding sometimes means saying the unpopular thing.

• Stay steady under pressure when conflict or disappointment arises. Tough skin helps a pastor avoid burnout from wounds that otherwise would cut too deep.

How time shapes both

Over the years, ministry tends to develop these two traits in tandem. The strange irony is this, as time passes, skin grows tougher and hearts grow softer. This is just one of the reasons I often advocate for long-tenured pastorates. You have to stay long enough to grow into the ability to serve well in this position.

• Tougher skin comes naturally with experience. The sting of criticism is not as sharp the 10th time as it was the first. A seasoned pastor learns which voices to take seriously and which ones to let go.

• A softer heart develops through walking with people through life’s valleys. Funerals, hospital rooms and counseling sessions remind a pastor of the brevity of life and the necessity of compassion.

This dual growth is not automatic; it is cultivated intentionally. Some pastors grow calloused instead of compassionate and cynical instead of resilient. But those who stay close to Christ find his Spirit makes their hearts tender even while their backs become strong.

The pastor who lasts in ministry will cultivate both tenderness of heart and toughness of skin. Like leather that grows durable with use, and like clay that stays pliable under the potter’s hand, the pastor learns true strength is found in this paradox. Over time, his skin grows tougher, but his heart—miraculously—grows softer.

John W. Crowder is pastor of First Baptist Church in West and author of Anchor Point: How to Lead with Faith, Find Strength, and Rebuild Hope after Crisis. The views expressed in this resource article are those of the author.