Voices: Making disappointment or failure count for good

I wish I could write “How to Make Failure Go Away” or “How to Make Everything Fair In Your Life.” But I am a mortal like you, and I have struggled for years with my disappointments and failures—even some in the church.

How do we understand heartbreak that feels so unjustified, rude and wrong—especially when it’s associated with our church?

Christians have a lot of “feel better” slogans for situations like this:

• “God’s still working on me. Let him slap me on the potter’s wheel and try again.”
• “Let go, and give it to God.”
• “God has something better for me than what I lost.”
• “The best is yet to come.”
• “We won’t understand this until we get to heaven.”
• “God will take care of this.”

These slogans contain truth. Often, God wants to teach us through our plight, and learning from God is valuable. What does God want us to learn from our disappointments and failures—even when they involve our church?

Church hurt can be the worst type of hurt. It may take the form of undue criticism of oneself or a family member. Some ministry leaders are told outright or by suggestion they are not enough, too young, too old, too different, too female.

Whatever the reasons for this kind of hurt, ministry leaders need more than slogans for dealing with it.

Positive steps forward

I think the best way to overcome this kind of hurt and to use it positively in one’s life is first to cast off all the anger, rage and pain that feels strapped to one’s chest. It takes courage to do this, because anger can become part of us. We forget who we were before we were “hurt.” Doing this helps us see our lives more clearly.

If we evaluate our life carefully, we may realize we have been treated unfairly several times, in more than one place, and by several people. Baggage from these situations piles up, and we need to work through it, looking at each situation for what we should learn.

We also need to examine our part in what happened. We may not be a totally innocent party. Though possibly hard to accept, it is freeing to face this truth.

Confessing and seeking forgiveness where necessary are to accept and to tell the truth. They also lighten the load of our sin burden. We should seek forgiveness to the extent possible and clean up whatever mess we created and can rectify.

We also should work to renew whatever relationships are appropriate, even if the relationships involved no longer are close friendships.

Then, we should go further by building something godly on top of our disappointment or failure. We should do this for God’s glory and to advance his kingdom through what he taught us. We should do this humbly, including—when appropriate—anyone who helped us grow.

My experience

I did this, listing the disappointments and failures of my life one by one. I assessed what I learned and what I was able to build on each situation. In each case, I saw God was faithful to give skill, opportunity and another chance. No one else might notice, but I know what God did and that it came when I could not fix life on my own.

If only we could go back and understand—intellectually and spiritually—all that has happened in life, and why and how. But God’s way is forward. Our citizenship, our future is heaven. I want to get there free of grudges, blame and feeling sorry for myself. For that, the hard work of healing seems more than fair.

Ruth Cook is an educator assistant for an English-as-a-Second-Language class and is a longtime Texas Baptist. The views expressed are those of the author.