Commentary: Understand development to provide care for grieving children

Age influences a person’s expressions of grief, as do “culture and previous exposure to loss,” notes Jocelyn D’Antonio in the Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health Services. Some have questioned whether young children are capable of grief, but most believe “children of all ages … grieve, although their grief is different from that of adults,” she adds.

Teri ReedAdults who help children must understand their development to provide effective care for grieving children.

Expressions of grief

Children 7 to 8 years old have an advantage in that they have more advanced language skills than younger children and are more likely to speak openly about death and dying than adolescents, D’Antonio reports. They may talk about the deceased as being in heaven and use “clothing or other personal items (of the deceased) in their play.”

Seven- and 8-year-olds begin to use logical thinking and problem-solving skills and think less in terms of magic. They also begin to understand “the permanency of death” but see it as happening to others who are “old and weak,” James Morgan and Jesse Roberts explain in the Journal of Mental Health Counseling.

These children often “feel guilty when someone close to them dies, because they believe that they should have (tried to) prevent it,” Morgan and Roberts say. Common signs of sadness and anger over their loss are to be expected, as are physical symptoms, such as stomachaches and a heavy dependence on or clinginess to their caregiver, D’Antonio observes.

Children 9 to 12 years old “begin to think of death in more abstract terms because of changes in their cognitive development,” Morgan and Roberts say. Because they can build upon experience, these children begin to understand how and why things happen.

They “move from magical thinking about death to understanding the reasons living things die,” reports Kenneth Doka in Family and Community Ministries. Although this age may understand the definition of death, they may not recognize personal mortality, he adds. Their thinking is oriented in the here-and-now with a continued, yet diminishing, focus on the self.

How to help

It is important to reassure children under age 9 that the death or loss was not their fault, even if they do not verbalize guilt, Morgan and Roberts explain. A primary caregiver should provide support during times of clinginess and resist the urge to force independence on a child, D’Antonio stresses.

This is accomplished by being sensitive to immediate emotional needs and following the lead of the child regarding times of separation from the primary caregiver. If a caregiver is able to allow a child who is distressed and clingy to run errands with them, the child can enjoy the security of spending time with the caregiver.

Routine tasks provide a feeling of familiarity, safety, opportunities for sharing and a relaxed atmosphere. This also provides an opportunity for the caregiver to model for the child how to continue living after loss.

Books and focused storytelling also can be utilized to provide role models of how to cope with loss and create an open forum for discussion on grief-related feelings and concerns, D’Antonio suggests. Children who receive bereavement support through ongoing informative discussion and conversation cope better when support and interventions are crafted around their stage of development, she notes.

Preparing to care

Adults who seek to care for grieving children also should tend to themselves in order to provide the best care for children. They can maintain spiritual discernment by practicing spiritual disciplines, including daily prayer and Bible study. Practices of good physical and psychological health should coincide with spiritual health to exercise good stewardship of oneself. If an adult neglects psychological wounds, those wounds inhibit the effectiveness of their care for others.

Melissa Kelley, in Grief: Contemporary Theory and the Practice of Ministry, would add that adults should “encourage and allow the larger community of faith to do its part in caring for those who grieve.” Utilizing the help of a church family in grief care shows good stewardship and is a responsible avenue for sharing the burden instead of relying solely upon oneself.

Good news in the midst of grief

“God’s grace can be discovered in all grief. Nothing separates us from the love of God—not even … grief,” assures James Mayfield in Amazing Grace in the Midst of Grief. That grace can be found even in grief is indeed good news for all. What a wonderful gift such grace can be for even the youngest among us who grieve.

Kelley explains how adults can give this gift of grace to those who grieve. Adults can provide comfort through the provision of understanding, acceptance and hope. Understanding is achieved by educating, acceptance by listening actively and attentively, and hope by communicating God’s restorative word.

Teri Reed is a youth-care specialist with ACH Child and Family Services, a member of South Hills Baptist Church in Fort Worth and a graduate student at the B.H. Carroll Theological Institute.