View conflict as opportunity to see God at work, mediator suggests

CAMERON—Conflict is inevitable in any human relationship—including Baptist congregations. Christian leaders need to learn how to deal with it, a former pastor and director of missions told participants in a seminar held at the FIRM Baptist Area offices.

Mike Smith says conflict resolution is more of an art than a science.Mike Smith acknowledged experience with conflict in his own ministry.

“It just seemed like I was getting into conflict or people were coming to me with conflict,” he said.

Because of that, he began to attend numerous conferences and read extensively about how to deal with conflict. Soon, he became a trained mediator and has served as a “mediator, listening ear or prayer partner” in more than 3,000 conflict cases, he said.

He also made presentations to many pastors and deacons on conflict resolution.

Statistics reflect the need

Statistics show the need for better conflict resolution, Smith said. Out of 350,000 pastors in the United States, about one of eight is considering resignation, and many believe being a pastor negatively affects their family, he reported.

He also noted:

• More than 4,000 pastors have a serious conflict with a church member at least once a month.

• More than 100 pastors are forcibly terminated each month.

• On any given day, 19,000 churches are in conflict.

While conflict management is necessary, it isn’t easy.

“Conflict management is not a science; it is an art,” Smith said. “Some things you just have to learn by walking through it.”

Smith recalled being fired from his church just four months into a pastorate and how he felt his ministry was over.

“Little did I know that in a few short years, I’d be sitting in a director of missions’ chair, and I would have on a regular basis pastor after pastor come in and sit in the chair on the other side of my desk and start pouring their heart out. And I would be able to say: ‘I know where you’ve been. I know how you’re hurting,’” he said.

Forty percent of pastors who leave the ministry cite stress as the primary cause, Smith said.

Stress levels up

“Forty years ago, pastors were one of the safest groups to insure. Now they are one of the riskiest groups to insure. If you look at all the medications pastors are taking for all kinds of chemical dependency and depression and other things, we’re way up there because of the stress of ministry. It is real,” he said.

One of the first steps toward managing conflict is to admit it exists.

“There are people whose approach to conflict is to deny it and put their heads in the sand,” Smith said.

“Conflict is neither inherently good or bad. It is how one manages conflict that determines if it is good or bad.”

The Chinese characters for the word “crisis” are combined from the characters for “danger” and “opportunity,” he observed.

“In every conflict, there is that danger of dividing or splitting, hurts, breaking fellowship, but there also is opportunity to see what God can do. And that is in every conflict,” Smith said.

“You cannot say all conflict is evil, and if you have that belief, you’re never really going to be a peacemaker. You have to believe that conflict exists and that conflict can be an opportunity for God to do something in the change.”

Conflict will occur, he noted.

“How you manage it determines how much conflict you experience,” he said.

Most conflicts about relationships

While conflicts are many, “few conflicts in churches are over doctrinal issues,” he said. “Most are about relationships or power struggles.”

Almost all conflicts start with a problem that needs to be solved. The conflict begins in earnest when people can’t agree on what solution to pursue. The conflict picks up steam when people begin picking sides. The decision for many then becomes to fight for what they want or leave. Those who remain become intractable in their positions.

Citing a tagline from a character on the 1960s TV series, The Andy Griffith Show, Smith said: “In conflict, if you don’t practice what Barney Fife believed, ‘Nip it in the bud,’ it will get out of control. If you let it get away from you, there is very little resolution.”

Listen to the language used when people are in conflict, he suggested.

“That’s how you know what level the conflict is in. When they start using ‘us’ and ‘them,’ you know it has become a contest. When it has become a contest, it is difficult to resolve the conflict,” he said.

“If you are able to push it back down to the problem, I believe every problem has a solution. If you pray long enough, talk with one another long enough, every problem has a solution. If you can come simply to the point where you agree to disagree, you can survive a disagreement,” Smith said.

Start before conflict begins

The best conflict management occurs before conflict begins, Smith said.

“Educate your church. Strive, teach and preach that, ‘We want peace around here; we want a culture of peace.’ You let people know that the church values peace. You educate them on the importance of peace, unity and forgiveness,” Smith said.

One of the most important educational tools for church conflict is a thorough teaching of Matthew 18 and the principles found there.

Matthew 18 teaches if two people have a problem with one another, they should go to one another and talk about the issue. In the church, most often, one or the other or both goes to someone else, the problem spreads, and the conflict is no closer to a resolution, Smith said.

“Bringing in a third person creates a triangle, and you don’t solve problems with triangles. You solve problems by praying and talking with one another. That’s the biblical way,” he said.