I want to look at common ways I have seen pastors say, “Goodbye,” to ministry in 2019, focusing on three seasons in ministry when pastors said, “Goodbye.” I will do this in three parts.

While I’ll look at actual cases—with identifiable information changed to protect the innocent—each case reflects a common scenario that makes me conclude it would be fair to call these trends in pastoral exits.

Getting to know you

I’ve been known to say, “More lying goes on in a church during the search process than at any other time.”

My point is both the search team and the pastoral candidate tend to be less-than-forthcoming.

The search team inquires, “We know about your strengths, but tell us about your weaknesses.”

The candidate stalls until finally admitting, “Sometimes, I spend so much time in prayer and Bible study, I don’t get all my household chores done.”

What a saint!

Then, the pastor reverses the question and asks, “If I agree to come, what issues will I be faced with?”

The search team hasn’t talked about it, but everyone knows, instinctively, not to mention you-know-what or no one will come. So, they say, “Oh, my, we don’t have any problems.”

Better yet, the search team might believe the last pastor was the problem, and he’s gone. So, maybe they aren’t lying overtly.

Case study one

During the interview process, a pastoral candidate failed to mention he was a Calvinist. He ended up accepting the church’s call, but his position was not held by the church, nor had it ever been. In fact, the church didn’t know such theology even existed within Baptist circles.

Once the pastor began to press for polity and theology changes matching his desires, conflict emerged, grew and ultimately destroyed the church over the course of a year.

First, there was the departure, one by one, of half the church’s families. They rejected the pastor’s push, but they weren’t interested in fighting about it. They mainly moved to other churches. Some, however, likely left church life forever.

Those who remained in the church were divided equally between those who were determined to “get our church back” and those who followed the pastor. Both sides engaged in full-out warfare.

The issue in this situation was not one of Calvinists versus non-Calvinists. The issue was pastors and churches need to be a good match before a call is extended or accepted.

None of the conflict in this church had to happen if the search team and candidate had said, “Goodbye,” to each other during the search process.

Both parties acted in haste due to anxiety. The pastor needed a job, and the church members felt like something was broken without an installed pastor. Neither researched the other nor asked the important questions.

Search teams and prospective pastors need to be honest. They also need to do their homework. “Trust but verify” applies both ways and very well to the pastor search process.

Case study two

First Church was made up exclusively of senior citizens. They had lost 75 percent of their members over the last two decades, but they had kept their ample buildings and property in superior shape.

A small, unofficial group began to pursue a merger with a nearby church. They talked it up and got a groundswell of support from other members. The search team set their established search process aside, wondering if God was laying a miracle at their feet.

The other church, the Rising, had a sizeable congregation of young adult families. Due to the shortage of finances, they had spent five years of Sundays jammed into a rented public school auditorium.

If the Rising joined First, it would bring First’s attendance back to what it had been in “the good ol’ days.” It would also provide First with the promise of a future and an end to the interim period—since the Rising’s pastor would assume that duty. The Rising, on the other hand, would gain property, income and seasoned spiritual mentors.

Initially, it seemed like a match made in heaven. Then, First’s search team began to examine the worship practices, theology, mission giving and governing practices of the Rising.

The search team of First and the elders of the Rising examined a side-by-side comparison in “the Big Meeting” intended to work out the final details of a merger. There was no way, however, to deny what was staring them in the face. After accepting the truth, the two churches called off the merger and parted as friends. They simply did not match in a single important criterion.

Learning from others

When I compare the two case studies, the second one is clearly the winner.

It is not a failure to not come to an agreement if ending negotiations clearly is the best solution and God’s will.

It reminds me of the best man and maid of honor who never had met before the wedding. It was “love at first sight.” Within the year, they got married. Within another year, they got divorced.

“We knew it was a mistake, but we were just too embarrassed to admit that to our friends or ourselves,” they both acknowledged after the divorce.

The first lesson: A courtship goodbye is better than consummating a mistake.

Karl Fickling is the coordinator of interim ministry for the Baptist General Convention of Texas.

Churches stereotypically are perceived as the most resistant to change, but some things are being learned as pastors, church staff and members shelter in place that might be helpful for future ministry.

Online is the next best thing to being there.

While online services are not likely to replace in-person gatherings, we are realizing livestream worship is a good option for those who, for one reason or another, cannot attend services on campus. We also are discovering for some of our members, the increase in online options is a blessing. After the current health guidelines are lifted, online options should be perceived, not as a replacement, but as an enhancement to a church’s ministries.

Each of us has a priestly responsibility.

The priesthood of the believer is multifaceted. Our priestly privilege includes having direct access to God, being accountable to God and having an assignment from God. We have the privilege of “priesting” one another as we encourage each other, care for neighbors, build up the body of Christ and share the teachings of Jesus through our words and our actions.

Every home is a satellite campus of the local church.

Although we have known this for ages, we have become more adept at organizing our life at home as an outpost of faith formation, a house of worship, a chapel for prayer and a launch point for ministry action.

A campus is a valuable resource of the church, but it’s not a church.

A brick and mortar campus can be an important tool for a congregation, but it is just one of many tools in a congregation’s toolbox. A campus always should be perceived as a resource for the nurturing of our faith, not a source of our faith.

We need the human touch and social engagement of spiritual community.

During these days of social and physical distancing, we have experienced withdrawal pangs from missing the handshake at the door, the passing of the peace, the hug from our favorite elder saint and blending our voices in song while in the same room with others from our family of faith. While we are grateful for online connections, we will emerge from this crisis with a greater appreciation for the privilege of in-person meetings.

Our members are more resourceful and creative than we realized.

Many members have jumped into action to sew masks for healthcare workers and first responders. Others have been proxy shoppers, delivering groceries and pharmaceuticals to those most at risk. A few members have written songs or poems to encourage or entertain others, and then posted, published or performed their artistry on social media platforms. In the future, we can enlist their skills to advance the ministry and the liturgy of the church.

We can function in a healthy way with fewer meetings.

Some committees are continuing to meet by video or conference call. Some are sharing monthly or quarterly reports via email. Others have postponed monthly meetings until after the “shelter in place” guidelines are lifted. All in all, committees are meeting as necessary, but less frequently than before the crisis. I expect some monthly committee meetings may easily transition to quarterly meetings as we emerge from this pandemic.

Every major world event, including war, terrorist attack, health pandemic or groundbreaking discovery, has altered or revised the normative patterns and protocols of life on this planet. It is yet to be seen what the new norms will look like after COVID-19.

For many reasons, both spiritual and economic, it is doubtful churches will have the option of returning to a pre-virus status quo. However, churches that build on the lessons learned during the pandemic may have the best opportunity to thrive and not just survive.

Barry Howard retired in 2017 after 39 years in pastoral ministry. He is a coach for the Center for Healthy Churches. This article is adapted from the original. The views expressed are those solely of the author.

In a matter of a few weeks, pastoral ministry has become something none of us imagined. The impact of COVID-19 requires pastors to think innovatively and creatively about the calling we have given our lives to follow. In one day, it seems, so much changed.

A mere six months ago, no one would have believed churches around the world would refrain from gathering on Easter morning and that they would be doing so out of love for one another. No one I know ever talked about what it would be like for the church to be dispersed in such a way.

It is not that we have moved from church buildings to house churches. That would be more tolerable, since at least we would still be gathering. But we have been scattered to our screens.

Present trials

We are preaching to our people, but we cannot see them or touch them. We cannot look in their eyes and tell if what we are proclaiming is resonating with them or not. We cannot hear them laugh or watch them fight to keep their drowsy eyes open.

We cannot gather them to celebrate the life of a brother or sister who has died, to celebrate new life with parents coming to dedicate their child, or the new life in Christ declared in baptism. We cannot break off a piece of bread and look in their eyes and say, “The body of Christ broken for you.” We cannot be in hospitals with the dying or sit around the table with the living.

I have spoken to dozens of pastors over the past few weeks on the phone or in a video call. I have been online with groups of you and have exchanged texts and email with others. I have worshiped online with a half-dozen different congregations and have followed many others on social media. I watched tears well up in a pastor’s eyes and heard his voice crack as he pronounced the benediction to an empty sanctuary on Easter.

I have witnessed both an admirable desire to continue to shepherd your flock and a discernible weariness and discouragement beginning to set in after a month or more of this “new normal.”

Encouragement for the present

I want to attempt to offer some encouragement to you as you continue to serve in these strange days.

First, keep up the work of preaching.

I have been sitting in the pew—well, actually a recliner—during these Sundays. I was not prepared for the online experience to be as meaningful as it has been. It has been valuable to me, because I have not been listening to strangers preach, but friends and colleagues.

It must be terribly frustrating for you to preach in such circumstances. But know people on the other end of the line are listening who need a word from the Lord and who love to hear your voice and see your face, because they know of the affection in which you hold them.

“My sheep hear my voice,” Jesus said.

What you are doing and saying is important. Yes, it is awkward. Certainly, it is not the way you’d prefer to deliver the message. But do it anyway. Do it with the same effort and passion that you would do if things were back to “normal.”

Study. Pray. Preach.

As Paul said, “In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I solemnly urge you: proclaim the message; be persistent whether the time is favorable or unfavorable; convince, rebuke, and encourage, with the utmost patience in teaching” (2 Timothy 4:1–2).

Second, use every means to overcome the distance.

What Paul would not have given for video calls! He did what he could when isolated from his churches, whether by prison bars or mere geographical distance. He prayed for them. He wrote to them. He rejoiced when he heard from them. He did all this with confidence that God was at work in their lives, whether he himself could be with them or not (Philippians 1:1–3).

So, email and text and phone and video call and do whatever else you can to stay connected with those you serve. You are still called to make disciples. You are still called to be their pastor. Do what you can, and let that be enough for now. The time will come again when your physical presence can express your care.

Third, lower your standards.

A weekly production is not necessary in worship. If nothing else, we are being weaned from some of that. The dramatic light and sound show worship easily becomes is not what is needed in these days.

Your congregation longs for a word from the Lord, and they want to hear it from you. Period.

Some of the best preaching I have heard in the last few weeks has come from a pastor sitting with his laptop in an empty sanctuary, speaking transparently and powerfully to his flock. Let go of the need to impress your people, and just be there with them.

Fourth, take care of yourself.

Stay current with your spiritual practices. Adapt them to the new situation, but continue to practice prayer and study and silence and solitude and other habits that strengthen your soul.

Care for your body. Sleep and eat and exercise.

Care for your relationships. Increase contact with family and friends virtually where you cannot be physically.

Care for your mind. Read. Study.

When we do emerge from the pandemic cocoon, be ready to emerge stronger rather than weaker.

Fifth, share the burden.

Don’t try to do it all yourself. Allow others in the congregation to do the work of ministry as well. Encourage them to do it. Bless them in their efforts to care for one another, to teach their small groups, to carry out their own ministries. And don’t try to do it by yourself.

Talk with fellow pastors about what the burden of these days is like. Listen to one another, and pray for one another.

Sixth, accept the reality of the present.

We have loved our meetings and our programs and our impressive presentations. For a time at least, those things are but dust.

We are being pushed into a new way of doing the work of the gospel. Lean into it and learn new things.

Parker Palmer tells of being in an Outward Bound course and finding himself paralyzed on the side of a cliff during a rappelling exercise. His instructor shouted down to him the Outward Bound School motto: “If you can’t get out of it, get into it.” Then his feet began to move.

That must be the posture of pastoral leaders during these days. We serve the God whose creativity knows no bounds. We are part of the church that has endured more difficult days than this over two millennia. It does not become us to think if we can no longer do what we have done, then we are stuck. We must get into it.

Seventh—and as a good biblical number, that will do—abandon both optimism and despair, and serve with hope.

Jurgen Moltmann says the two sins against hope are optimism and despair. Optimism is groundless. Despair is faithless.

Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, gave us the “Stockdale Paradox.” When asked about what POWs did not make it out of their Vietnam imprisonment, James Stockdale said, “the optimists.” Those who constantly were saying, “We’ll be out of this by Easter, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or New Year” constantly were disappointed by reality. They had no grounds for such false hopes. It was the realists, Stockdale said, who survived. This is an important perspective to hold during these days.

Depending on who is prognosticating, we may be in this social distancing mode for some time. We should prepare ourselves to do our ministry in this situation for the long haul.

Hope is not optimism. It is, for the Christian, a part of a realistic outlook. The Easter reality is whatever future in which we find ourselves, God is present, God is with us. He is our hope.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).

*******

Pastors, what you men and women are doing never has been more important. Your people need your love, your leadership and your faithful ministry.

The church will need to think carefully about how we do our work in such days as this. How do we preach Christ? How do we demonstrate love for neighbor? How do we serve with compassion? How do we bear witness to a frightened, lonely world?

You, pastors, are called to this. You have been prepared for this. You, with the Spirit’s power, can do this. Be encouraged.

Robert Creech is professor of pastoral leadership and the director of pastoral ministries for Baylor University’s Truett Theological Seminary. This open letter to pastors is adapted from the original and republished by permission of the author. The views expressed are those solely of the author.

I felt called this past week to use my experience in ministry and research on Christianity and new technology to design a free guide to creating online, participatory worship services.

Many church leaders are conducting worship services online or planning to start meeting online. This task likely feels daunting to church leaders who never have done this before and especially to those who have little to no experience using technology.

The idea of worshipping online also is disappointing to many people, especially given the time of year it is. Christian communities have long-held traditions for Lent and Easter that are significant to community members.

As I’ve texted and talked with church leaders over the past few weeks, some have expressed they are unsure how to make online worship as meaningful as in-person worship. Several people explained their teams feel low on creativity.

The thing is, worshipping online is fundamentally different than worshipping in a church building. There are real things that need to be lamented by our communities. And it is hard to innovate in a pinch.

The opportunities of online worship

At the same time, new media provides church leaders with numerous possibilities for the coming weeks. In the midst of paralyzing anxiety and overpowering stress, church leaders can offer congregants opportunities to interact meaningfully with each other, nurture new relationships across generations, provide tangible ways to engage in spiritual disciplines and historic Christian practices, and offer concrete ideas for witnessing to God’s love.

During this unprecedented and distressing time, online worship services can be sources of hope and encouragement. And mysteriously, the Spirit of God can use the weeks we spend online to help our communities grow closer together. Depending on how we design the services, we could help our congregations to have a profound impact on the communities we live in.

• What if your community saw your church as a source of strength and extravagant love during this difficult time?

• What if you used the coming weeks to form mentoring relationships between elders and youth in your congregation?

• What if the new worship services your team creates allow even more people in your church to contribute and to be a part of the church in meaningful ways?

• What if God used the coming weeks to reinvigorate people’s practice of faith?

The church’s opportunity during troubling times

Throughout the Bible, we see again and again how God’s people found themselves in troubling and scary circumstances; yet, God’s faithfulness remained. Even in the midst of profound difficulty, God’s love could be felt, and God’s voice could be heard.

And sometimes, miraculously, the very thing that caused heartbreak initiated resurrection.

Church leaders can create online participatory worship experiences that help people to feel God’s presence, pray together, read the Bible in new ways, learn from one another and experience joy together.

Churches have an incredible opportunity to use the coming weeks online to allow congregants to tell stories to each other, build relationships and encourage each other.

With online participatory services, you can encourage groups of congregants to respond to the sermon and the biblical text in concrete, meaningful ways right from their homes, both during the service and throughout the week.

Church online truly can inspire a fully-embodied and engaging experience for all congregants—children, youth, and adults.

Three paths of participatory worship

There are three paths in the guide I designed.

The “Low Stress path” offers five bulletins for online worship services and a checklist your team can use to ensure your bulletin is ready to be shared with your congregants.

The “Create Your Own path” offers a sample bulletin template and a checklist for tailoring the bulletin to your congregation.

The third is “Grab and Go.” This path is for church leaders looking for imaginative ways to supplement their online worship plans and help congregants connect, participate in worship online and live out their faith in the coming weeks.

This guide is for churches with little to no experience going online for worship. You can use it if you are high tech and have livestreaming capabilities, too.

Thanks for all you do to invest in the lives of children, youth and adults.

If you’re interested in seeing the guide I designed and getting some inspiration and help for the coming weeks, click here.

Angela Gorrell is assistant professor of practical theology at Baylor University’s Truett Seminary and the author of Always On: Practicing Faith in a New Media Landscape.

Churches around the world must adapt to new realities created by COVID-19. Pastors seeking to shepherd their congregations faithfully through this situation can be at a loss for how to do it.

There is so much change needed, so much unknown and unfamiliar, that our anxieties increase and may keep pastors and the congregations they serve stuck in place.

While listening to my fellow pastors trying to make good decisions for their congregations, I realized all this felt familiar to me. When Hurricane Harvey made a direct hit on my small town, much of what I knew about being a pastor and how to do church suddenly needed to adapt to new realities.

Here’s the good news: My church and I made it, and I believe we are better, stronger and healthier than ever.

As a local church pastor, I am a leader in my church and community. How can I lead during this time of radical change so my church and I both survive as we make the necessary changes?

Here are some lessons I learned from being a “hurricane pastor” and from my research in complex adaptive human systems.

Clues from Ephesians

In Ephesians 4:11-16, Paul describes how the Holy Spirit works within individuals and within the church to produce maturity and the likeness of Christ. This Spirit-wrought transformation is both an individual and collective phenomenon.

Individually, each person exercises his or her own spiritual gifts in the church and becomes more mature and Christlike.

Collectively, the members of the church interact and work with one another so the whole church is built up and matures to be more like Jesus.

This gives me clues about my own leadership.

God created transformation

God created transformation and the fragile balance between continuity and change.

God did not design creation to produce creatures in a completed form. We begin as infants who must grow, learn and mature. This pattern is present throughout nature and is seen in the changing of the seasons—birth, growth, productivity, decline, death, renewal, etc.

Individual Christians and churches of which they are a part are responsible for making honest assessments of where they are relative to where God wants them to be.

Systems Theory teaches that movement into the future—or the process of adaptation and transformation—will include both continuity and change. For instance, I did not become an adult overnight, but over time. During that time, I remained familiar to those who knew me; I continued to be me while I was changing.

What this means for my leadership is I should strive to find a healthy balance between continuity and change in my life and church. Too much of one at the expense of the other is not going to help us adapt to be the people God intends.

It is probably misguided to say everything is different now as a result of the pandemic, and therefore, churches should be different. Some things need to be different, but not everything.

Consider how your church will operate in the coming days. There likely is quite a bit that is new, different and unfamiliar. It is important that we also strive to include many familiar elements, as well. How can you help your church find the balance between continuity and change?

Systems adapt and change

Human systems adapt or change as a result of four possible things: changes outside the system, changes in the people who make up the system, changes in how the people within the system relate to one another, and changes within the purpose of the system as a whole.

It is true that what occurs in my community has some impact on my church. But the greatest transformation within a church will be the result of the people who are a part of that church, how they relate to one another, and what they believe the purpose of that church to be.

A small congregation with an elderly membership and a familiar format for conducting worship and church activities may be resistant to change and slow to adapt. But they still do both.

Aging members naturally become less active and eventually will be absent altogether, either through relocation or death. The church has no choice but to adapt to their absence, the lack of leadership, the lack of giving, the missed fellowship and so on.

The perceived purpose of that church may be to provide a comforting presence in the lives of the members who are experiencing great loss and are facing their own mortality.

This provides suggestions for specific things I can do to provide leadership. I can clarify the mission of the church continually at this time. I can challenge my members to reflect prayerfully on how God may be transforming their own lives. I can ask questions about how church members and various ministries are relating to one another. I can do what is possible to facilitate better communication and better ways of relating to one another.

Any church will experience true transformation only if the people within the church are transformed, their relationships are transformed, and/or their understanding of the church’s mission is transformed.

There is hope in change

There is hope that my church can change because there is hope that I can change.

I want to accept that I cannot control the universe, nor am I the Messiah sent to save everyone. My role is important, to be sure, but there is a limit to its importance.

I can work on what is within my control and release the rest to God. I need to allow God to shape my own life. I cannot control how others do or do not adapt or grow. But I can address my own health and maturity.

At the same time, I can choose to be a consistent presence in the lives of others. If I take my place in my church and community, I bring the changes within me into my relationships.

It may be more helpful for me to stop trying to control the bigger picture and focus instead on my own transformation, my own relationship with Christ, and on the nature of my presence with others.

As I change, my relationships also change. Those changed relationships have the potential to have a wider impact in my church and community. This is a slow, imperfect process. But there is potential over time for a much wider impact.

There is no such thing as a quick fix, only the hard, slow pastoral work of becoming more like Christ over time and helping others to do the same.

Take care of yourself

Take care of yourself, pastor and church leader. Attend to God’s presence and activity in your own life. Consistently clarify the purpose of your church during this time. Lead people to reflect on God’s presence and activity in their own lives and how they are relating to others. And strive for that elusive balance between continuity and change, because you will need both if you and your church are to survive the current crisis while also making the changes needed at this time.

Scott Jones is the pastor of First Baptist Church in Rockport and a member of the Baptist Standard board of directors. The views expressed are solely those of the author.

I have been pastoring and preaching for 28 years, and I’ve spent more than 20 years as a preaching professor. Until very recently, I’ve never really given any thought about how to preach to an empty room. My goal has always been that the church would be as full as we can get it when it comes time to preach. But in light of the coronavirus and the reality of providing online Sunday services, I’ve been asked by a few leaders, “What are some tips for preaching to an empty room?”

Here are some thoughts that I’m keeping in mind as I preach for video. I hope they’ll be of help to other preachers:

Make your delivery as personal as you can. The camera never blinks and exaggerates how you communicate nonverbally. You will connect better with your listeners by doing the things that make for effective one-on-one communication.

Smile. Maximize your eye contact with the camera. Use minimal notes, if any at all. Aim for a delivery style that is less oratorical and more conversational.

Keep in mind how people will be watching you. Preaching for video is different from preaching to a live congregation in that it is not really public communication. Instead, it is more intimate and interpersonal. Many of your people will be watching you by themselves on a computer or handheld device. Some may watch with their families or a very small group.

When making your video, I’d caution against pretending you are preaching to a congregation. Walking around on the platform or being behind a pulpit will seem artificial. Instead, imagine you are talking to one person. Use second-person singular language. Say “you” and “your,” and make application of your message to individuals.

Acknowledge the current situation, but don’t dwell on it exclusively. No doubt, we need to continue to pray for God’s intervention in the coronavirus pandemic every week as our churches gather online. Pastors need to bring a word that calls our people to trust God in the face of this crisis. At the same time, our people are being bombarded with messages about the coronavirus every way they turn.

When you speak, they need to hear a word from God that will strengthen their faith. Your listeners always will benefit spiritually from hearing expositional messages from the whole counsel of Scripture, especially as the weeks wear on.

Preach live, if possible. While time or technological restraints may require you to pre-record your sermon, broadcasting the message in real time on Sunday morning is best.

After our first week of online-only worship, one couple contacted me to say they had watched both our Sunday morning services, and they were surprised and thankful I preached twice, rather than just replaying the first message in the second service. There’s a sense of immediacy when your people can tell you are actually preaching to them in the moment. And they can tell.

Relax. Speaking to a camera without an audience to support you and respond is hard. When you misspeak or mess up—don’t worry, you will—shake it off and keep going just as you would in live sermon delivery in front of a congregation.

Your people are not expecting perfection. They do want to hear from and see their pastor and receive God’s word from you.

Present the gospel and give opportunities for people to respond. Joining your church’s livestream service is a low-risk way for nonbelievers to listen to preaching. They don’t have to come to church, they have relative anonymity, and they can turn you off whenever they want. As a result, you would be wise to assume unsaved people are watching.

Make sure you proclaim the gospel clearly and provide a way for people to respond who make decisions or have questions or prayer needs. Simply listing an email address or a phone number to call can open doors for ministry.

We can thank God for the opportunity we have to preach to our people via video during the social distancing the coronavirus requires right now. To my fellow preachers who are preaching to empty rooms, I say:

Be biblical. Be faithful. Be relational. Be genuine. Be prayerful. Be vulnerable. Be encouraging. And be encouraged. We know God is using even this to accomplish something for his glory.

Stephen Rummage is the senior pastor of Quail Springs Baptist Church in Oklahoma City. He holds the Ph.D. in preaching from New Orleans Baptist Seminary and is the author of Planning Your Preaching. He currently serves as professor of preaching and pastoral ministry at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.

In the first article in this series, I described ministry as a marathon, not unlike the Boston Marathon, and I promised four “looks,” or perspectives, that have helped me stay in the race.

The first “look” is inward—looking in spiritually and physically.

The second “look” is around—looking around relationally and maritally.

Now for the third and fourth looks.

Look ahead

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14, NIV).

As Paul contemplated his own ministry marathon, his one great passion, his one great desire even as he approached the end of his race was just to keep on pressing on toward that glorious goal before him. Paul knew well the importance of focus in the great race of life and ministry.

Consider the story of another “marathoner” in a different long-distance competition. Florence Chadwick was an American long-distance swimmer who was inducted into the International Swimming Hall of Fame in 1970. Her two most famous accomplishments included swimming the English Channel and the 21 miles from Catalina Island to Los Angeles.

Chadwick failed in her first attempt to swim the Catalina Channel on July 4, 1952. She was pulled from the water less than a mile from the shore. What discouraged her? What caused her to give up? It wasn’t the shark-infested, frigid Pacific waters. It wasn’t even the fatigue of her 15 hour and 55 minute swim to that point. What eventually got to Chadwick simply was the fog she encountered that day.

At a news conference afterwar, Chadwick told a reporter, “Look, I’m not excusing myself, but if I could have seen land I know I could have made it.”

The fog kept her from seeing her goal, and it felt to her like she was getting nowhere. Despite being told land was only one mile away, she didn’t believe it and quit.

While competing in the ministry marathon, it’s easy for “the fog”—all that stuff that goes along with doing ministry—to cause us to lose sight of the ultimate goal before us.

Fellow ministry marathon runner, remember why you are running. Remember what you are running for. Remember the goal, remember the prize. You are running with a purpose. You are running for a purpose.

Remember there really is no greater calling, no greater race, than the great ministry marathon in which you are now running. Don’t let whatever “fog” that currently surrounds you get you down or discouraged. Your labors for the Lord are not in vain. Just keep your eye on the prize.

“Look in,” look around,” “look ahead” and finally, be sure you always look one more place.

Look up

“…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:1-2, NIV, author’s emphasis).

Thus far, we have explored several key dimensional looks for successfully running the ministry marathon: inwardly, horizontally, outwardly. The author of Hebrews would be quick to add a vital vertical look that really overlooks all the others.

While “looking up” certainly is not a very wise strategy for running in the physical realm, it absolutely is imperative for those running in the spiritual world of ministry.

Consider the bumblebee. A bumblebee’s wings are so tiny and frail for its size that, technically, it cannot fly; all logic says it can’t, but it does. God made it to fly, and unless you put it in a glass tumbler, it will always fly wherever it needs to go. It will fly up and zig and zag and go from one wonderful destination to the next.

But if you put that bee in a glass tumbler, even one without a lid, the bee is suddenly in big trouble. If the bee cannot look up, the bee is doomed. Even without a cover or lid on the glass, the bee will not escape and will beat itself against the walls of the glass until it gives up and dies. Why? Because it failed to look up and fly upward. It can. The means of escape is there, but if it doesn’t look up it will not know which way to go.

The tumbler represents well the many adversities—marathon “walls”—ministers encounter while running in the ministry marathon. So often, just like the busy bee, we forget the way out of our “walls” is always up. If we don’t look up, we run the risk of losing all sense of direction for life and ministry.

The bee knows it can fly and that it can fly up. It has been doing it every day of its life, but surrounded by trouble, it panics and loses heart. This can happen easily to ministry marathon runners as well.

Weary ministry marathon runners, just keep looking up and fixing your eyes on Jesus. He is the great pioneer and perfecter of your faith. He will see you through.

Finishing the race

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing” (2 Timothy 4:5-8, NIV).

Paul wasn’t content to be just a good starter in the race of his life and ministry. He was committed to becoming a fantastic finisher.

On Oct. 16, 2011, a 100-year-old man completed the Toronto marathon, becoming the oldest person ever to successfully finish that long-distance running achievement. Indian-born Fauja Singh came close to quitting about 6 hours into the race but persevered and finished the 26.2-mile race in about 8 hours, 25 minutes. Singh didn’t even take up running until he turned 80.

On June 12, 2011, a special celebration service was held at St. Giles Bramhope Church near Leeds, England. What was the special occasion? It was to honor the birthday of Canon John Clayton, a Church of England vicar who was still preaching at the age of 100.

As a ministry marathon runner, you may not be running still at age 100, but God’s desire is that however long you run, you finish the ministry course God has set out for you.

If you have been called to the race, you have been called to be in it for the long haul. And so, you run and run and run, and you just keep on running. You fight the fight, you finish the race and you keep the faith.

How do you do it? How do you finish the race and finish it well? You do it by remembering always to take four long, hard looks at your ministry. You look in, you look around, you look ahead and, for every step of the race, you never forget just to look up.

“But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”  (Isaiah 40:31, NIV)

Fellow runners, however long your race for the Lord may turn out to be, may you soar on wings like eagles, even if it be into your 100s. May you run, and run long and well. And as you run, may you never grow weary, may you never be faint as the Lord renews your strength every mile, every step of your great ministry marathon.

Jim Lemons is professor of theological studies and leadership in the College of Christian Faith at Dallas Baptist University. The views expressed are those solely of the author.

In the first article in this series, I described ministry as a marathon, not unlike the Boston Marathon, and I promised four “looks,” or perspectives, that have helped me stay in the race.

The first “look” is inward—looking in spiritually and physically.

The second “look” is around—looking around relationally and maritally.

Look around relationally

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:1-2, NIV).

Every good marathon runner knows it’s better to train for the race with a “running buddy.” When those “walls” hit during the race, having someone there to support and encourage you really does make all the difference in the world.

And so it is in life and in ministry. The fact is we need others, and we need each other as fellow ministry runners.

After many years of being a rather casual runner, a few years ago I ran in a real-life marathon. Notice I say running “in” a marathon, not actually running “a” marathon.

I got together with some former high school track mates, and we entered the relay portion of the Dallas Marathon. Just before the finish of my fourth leg of the race, runners hit what is called the “Dolly Parton Hills.” The name itself says it all about the topology of the land on that section of the course. Climbing those two grueling consecutive hills was definitely the “hitting the wall” moment in the race for me.

What kept me running? What helped me make it to the finish line? It was the simple realization I knew I was not running alone. Fellow runners were right there with me, plugging away, climbing those hills, never giving up, never quitting. And all along the race route, spectators were there, shouting out words of encouragement for all of us weary runners.

As I finally made it over that last hill and approached the finish line, the most encouraging sight of all was seeing friends and fellow teammates there at the end, encouraging me to finish the race.

Out of all those “hitting the wall” ministry statistics mentioned earlier, these two have to be the most troubling ones for me:

• 75 percent of all ministers do not have someone they consider a close friend, and
• 75 percent don’t know where to turn when they have a family or personal conflict or issue.

Yes, to effectively run the ministry marathon, runners need to “look around” and look to, learn from and lean on their fellow runners.

Look around maritally

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, NIV).

As ministry runners are busy “looking around” while running the race course, they need to be sure to be looking out for the most important “running buddy” they have. The typical “job posting” for today’s minister’s wife would probably look something like this:

HELP WANTED: Pastor’s wife. Must sing, play music, lead youth groups, raise seraphic children, entertain church notables, minister to other wives, have ability to recite Bible backward and choreograph Christmas pageant. Must keep pastor sated, peaceful and out of trouble. Difficult colleagues, demanding customers, erratic hours. Pay: $0.

Consider these statistics relating to the marital part of the ministry marathon:

• 13 percent of active pastors are divorced.
• Those in ministry are equally likely to have their marriage end in divorce as general church members.
• 25 percent of pastors’ wives see their husband’s work schedule as a source of conflict.
• The clergy has the second-highest divorce rate among all professions.
• 40 percent of pastors and 47 percent of spouses are suffering from burnout, frantic schedules and/or unrealistic expectations.
• 45 percent of pastors’ wives say the greatest danger to them and their family is physical, emotional, mental and spiritual burnout.
• 52 percent of pastors say they and their spouses believe being in pastoral ministry is hazardous to their family’s well-being and health.

Eight in 10 pastors’ wives say they feel unappreciated or unaccepted by their husband’s congregation, according to surveys by the Global Pastors Wives Network. The same number wish their husbands would choose another profession.

“Wives’ issues” is the No. 1 reason ministers leave their ministries. The divorce rate among ministers and their wives is 50 percent, no better than that of the general public.

Fellow runners, we simply cannot let ourselves become so preoccupied with seeing to the well-being of our flock that we end up neglecting the most important shepherding role we have, caring for our marriage relationship.

*******

In the final article in this series, I will share the third and fourth “looks” and an encouraging finish.

Jim Lemons is professor of theological studies and leadership in the College of Christian Faith at Dallas Baptist University. The views expressed are those solely of the author.

A few years ago, Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, partnered with the Harvard Business School to do a study of what he calls “Level 5 leaders.” According to Collins, Level 5 leaders make a catalytic impact on the organizations they lead. When they completed the study, however, one very surprising thing stood out: Most of us had never heard of those leaders.

Have you ever heard of Darwin Smith? Me, either. For 20 years, Smith was the CEO of Kimberly Clark, a paper company in steep decline when he was hired in 1971. Smith wasn’t flashy. Collins said he was “like a farm boy wearing his first J.C. Penney suit.” He was introverted and eccentric. And yet 20 years later, Kimberly-Clark had become one of the most remarkable turnaround stories in American business, outperforming companies like Coca-Cola, 3M and G.E.

Ironically, Smith’s own peculiar blend of awkwardness and eccentricity contributed to Kimberly Clark’s success. Having never been forced to deal with the cult of personality that grows up around successful corporate gurus, Smith instead brought a humility to his role as CEO that became a key ingredient in his company’s success.

The conventional wisdom is corporate success goes along with big, flashy leaders. According to Collins, however, such leaders often are successful but only rarely transformational.

A time for humble congregations

You might roll your eyes about the idea of being a “Level 5 leader.” On the other hand, if there ever was a moment when the church needed not just successful leaders but transformational leaders, that time is now.

I’m guessing you’re reading this article because you’re carrying at least a small amount of anxiety about what’s happening to the church as a whole or to your local congregation. From a statistical standpoint, you should be worried.

We are more than 50 years into what sociologists of religion are calling “the Great Decline,” a statistical decrease in almost every significant category related to the success of the church. But what if the very thing scaring us to death—our institutional decline—can help cultivate one of the traits most necessary for future thriving—humility?

In my last article, I mentioned the Center for Healthy Churches is partnering with Belmont University to uncover a set of traits that enable congregations to thrive despite our current context. The first trait our initial research revealed was hope.

Congregations that believe and act on the idea that they can make a difference have a dynamism that unleashes the collective energy of their membership. In that sense, the presence of hope is almost a self-fulfilling prophecy. Congregations that believe they can make a difference have a greater tendency to do just that.

In some ways, humility is the mirror image of hopefulness. Hopeful churches believe they can make a difference, and that creates energy in them, which when properly focused ends up making a difference.

Humble churches, on the other hand, believe they don’t have everything they need to do what God is calling them to do. The recognition of that can lead in several helpful directions.

Humble churches learn

Perhaps the most obvious challenge facing congregations in the 21st century is the rapid pace of change. That kind of cultural context can be overwhelming for congregations whose ministers are trained to study centuries-old texts and teach timeless truths and whose memberships have been shaped by methodologies from the heyday of American Christianity some 50 years past.

On a far more positive note, however, congregations are designed to be learning organizations.

In his wonderful book How Your Congregation Learns, Tim Shapiro talks about congregations as learning systems. According to Shapiro, there is a key difference between churches that try to do something new and those that learn to do something new.

Effort is not enough, especially in the 21st century. Several of the study group congregations in our project modeled this insight. These congregations often went through trial and error to get where they are now and had to go slow enough to have time to analyze results. In many cases, they also engaged external conversation partners who provided insight and expertise the churches themselves lacked.

Humble churches give up control

In typical churches, more than 90 percent of the budget, collective staff output and building usage are focused internally on maintaining programs and membership.

Most of what churches offer comes with an implicit assumption: Come join us, and we’re more than happy to share.

Little by little, however, there are a handful of congregations experimenting with different ways to hire, budget and structure.

One church is experiencing catalytic transformation by giving up control. Saddled by declining attendance and the deferred maintenance of its building, one church sold its building and its property to a developer and negotiated a shared space the congregation would use for worship and others would use for concerts and community gatherings, a space that didn’t exist in that part of the city. A brand new kind of facility now is being built from the ground up as part of a mixed-use development that isn’t just “Live-Work-Shop-Play.” They’ve added a new word—Worship.

Humble churches partner

In my article on cultivating hope, I wrote about an experience we had building a network of congregations to help support South African NGOs. The most important lesson we learned in the process came from our biggest failure.

We spent a year planning a mission summit in Little Rock. We invited dozens of churches to attend, and we flew in two amazing NGO leaders from South Africa. We were excited, we were ready, and only two churches showed up for our meeting.

It was only after we painfully re-examined what we did wrong that we realized our biggest mistake: It was our meeting.

From that point forward, we started thinking about ways to approach the network as an open-source organization where others were welcomed to share, not only resources, but insights and leadership as well. Over time, our network developed what I began to call a “healthy co-dependency.”

Most church partnerships are very limited in scope. We write checks to organizations we support. We deploy volunteers. Despite encouraging a tendency to spread ourselves too thin, there is little wrong with that style of partnership.

A more demanding but ultimately more rewarding form of partnership, however, is a partnership where something gets created that cannot exist without that partnership.

Greater communication is required, greater sacrifice is required and greater risk is required because there’s always a chance that what you’re partnering to do will not end up looking exactly like what you want.

All of the churches participating in the network had to work together with that mindset, and the network itself had to be humble enough to support our shared work in South Africa while still submitting to indigenous leadership.

Our requisite humility, however, gave everyone the chance to be a part of something far more significant than any of us could have achieved alone. It also created a robust learning environment in which all our churches gained access to deep insights and best practices far above what we could have acquired alone.

Cultivating humility

What about your congregation? When is the last time your church engaged in an extended learning opportunity, equipping yourselves to do ministry in the changing context around you?

When is the last time your church took the risk of turning over something that belonged to you or helping create something really important to you that you didn’t have to control?

The congregations thriving as Christendom dies around us are the congregations humble enough to know they don’t have all the answers but see their lack as an opportunity not as a threat. They go looking for the resources and learning they need to do what God is calling them to do.

Matt Cook is the assistant director of the Center for Healthy Churches, from whose blog this article is adapted. The views expressed are those solely of the author.

To learn more about how the Center for Healthy Churches is helping churches thrive, visit them at www.chchurches.org or contact Matt at mattc@chchurches.org.

Part 1: Running the ministry marathon; Part 3: Looking around

In the first article in this series, I described ministry as a marathon, not unlike the Boston Marathon, and I promised four “looks,” or perspectives, that have helped me stay in the race.

The first “look” is inward—looking in spiritually and physically.

Look in spiritually

Paul wrote: “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize” (1 Corinthians 9: 24-27, NIV).

The Apostle Paul certainly was one of the great ministry marathon runners in the Bible. Paul encountered his fair share of “walls” along the way—adversities, hardships, troubles, problem-causing people, trials, tribulations, weariness, pain, everything with which marathoners are well-acquainted (2 Corinthians 6:3-10; 10:16-29; Philippians 4:10-20).

What strikes me most about Paul is he seemed always to know the importance of “looking in” and taking care of his own spiritual life.

What we put into ourselves

Joe D’Amico is another interesting marathoner who made recent headlines. D’Amico gained notoriety by becoming known as the marathon “McRunner.” While preparing for the 2011 Los Angeles Marathon, D’Amico, a veteran of 14 marathons, incorporated into his personal training schedule a most unusual dietary regimen. He ate food only from McDonald’s restaurants for the 30 days leading up to race day. During his special month-long marathon “McDiet,” D’Amico devoured 23 hamburgers, 24 chicken snack wraps, three filet-o-fish sandwiches, 91 hotcakes, and 63 cookies. As a result of his special marathon-preparation diet, Mr. “McRunner” gained 23,000 new Facebook fans, and when he completed the race, he had raised some $27,000 for the Ronald McDonald House Charities.

For most serious marathon runners, a fast-food, junk-food diet would be a pretty ill-advised training technique. Without proper physical nourishment and nutrition for the duration of the training days, the body simply will not be ready for the rigors of the race day. The same principle holds true for running the ministry marathon. The ongoing spiritual diet of the ministry runner is going to make a huge difference running the great race of ministry.

The importance of spiritual discipline

When we think about the proper spiritual diet necessary for running the ministry marathon, volumes have been written on the subject of practicing the spiritual disciplines. See, for example: Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life by Donald S. Whitney, Spiritual Disciplines Handbook: Practices that Transform Us by Adele Ahlberg Calhoun, Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth by Richard J. Foster and The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives by Dallas Willard. These now-classic resources remain valuable training manuals for the minister’s library and life.

Martin Luther once said: “Prayer is the most important thing in my life. If I should neglect prayer for a single day, I should lose a great deal of the fire of faith.” Without the consistent “fire of faith” that comes through prayer, our fuel for the ministry marathon will be sorely insufficient.

Following Paul’s example of sticking to a basic but consistent spiritual disciplines “training diet” of prayer, meditation, Bible study and reflection, personal and corporate worship, and regular fellowship with other believers has made a marked difference in the success of my own 30-year-old ministry marathon.

Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert quotes 19th century American preacher and author James Freeman Clarke: “The modern Christian does not retire into a cell to pray, but goes about doing good. He thus avoids the risk of narrowness, which attends the man who desires only to do the ‘nearest duty.’ But there is a danger here also, that of shallowness. The man who is always giving, never receiving; always helping others, and never feeding his own soul, is in danger of becoming empty.” This could be spoken to 21st century ministry marathoners as well.

Ministry runner, there simply isn’t a more crucial training tool for effectively running the race without running on empty than simply to maintain a consistent, daily diet of feeding your own soul.

Look in physically

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” (I Corinthians 6:19, NIV).

Ministry marathoners, while we are “looking in,” we had better be “looking into” the health dimension of our running.

A report on the health and wellness of clergy and lay leaders conducted by the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America’s Division for Ministry and Board of Pensions found that while the majority of ministers are satisfied by their work, they are more overweight, sedentary and prone to stress and depression than the average U.S. citizen.

The report found during a one-year period, 16 percent of male clergy and 24 percent of female clergy suffered from depression compared to 6 percent of U.S. men and 12 percent of U.S. women. It also noted that nutrition, high blood pressure and heart disease are areas of concern.

Fellow ministry marathoners, how can we preach and teach about the body being the temple of the Holy Spirit if our own temple is being neglected?

Let’s run the race, but let’s be sure while we are running we always are careful to “look in,” being mindful that the spiritual and physical aspects of our race are crucial considerations.

Jim Lemons is professor of theological studies and leadership in the College of Christian Faith at Dallas Baptist University. The views expressed are those solely of the author.

Part 2: Looking in; Part 3: Looking around

Ministry is a marathon

“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me …” (Acts 20:24a, NIV).

What in the world was Dean Karnazes thinking? Karnazes is better known as the “Ultramarathon Man,” and for good reason. In 2006, Karnazes ran in 50 marathons in 50 days in all 50 states. That’s right, 50 marathons … in 50 days … in all 50 states!

Karnazes’s book, Ultramarathon Man, was the No. 7 bestselling sports book worldwide in 2005. In 2007, he was named to the list of the top 100 most influential people in the world by Time Magazine. Dean Karnazes is a man who knows how to run a marathon—and more.

In many respects, ministry is a marathon. Those of us involved in vocational service to God are competing in a great race that is nothing less than a long-distance, oftentimes lifelong, endurance marathon. Little wonder the Bible often draws upon the imagery of the race to describe the Christian life.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:1-2, NIV).

Watch out for the ministry marathon “walls”

Real marathon runners talk about the danger of “hitting the wall.” There usually comes a time during the race when fatigue and pain begin to take over, and suddenly, the thought of giving up enters into the runner’s mind.

If ministry marathon runners are not careful, they also can “hit the wall” of ministry fatigue, pain and frustration. Oftentimes, once that “wall” is hit, the consequences can be pretty devastating.

Consider the following results of a survey of pastors conducted by the Fuller Institute of Church Growth:
• 80 percent believe pastoral ministry is affecting their family negatively
• 33 percent say being in ministry clearly is a hazard to their family
• 75 percent have reported a significant crisis due to stress at least once every five years in their ministry
• 50 percent feel unable to meet the needs of the job
• 90 percent feel they were not trained adequately to cope with the ministry demands placed upon them
• 40 percent report having a serious conflict with a parishioner at least once a month
• 37 percent have been involved in inappropriate sexual behavior with someone in the church
• 70 percent have a lower self-image since they have pastored than when they started
• 70 percent do not have someone they consider a close friend

Pretty sobering statistics, aren’t they? It seems many in the ministry these days are, in fact, hitting a “wall,” and they simply are not managing the rest of their ministry marathon very well.

According to a 2010 New York Times article on clergy burnout: “Members of the clergy now suffer from obesity, hypertension and depression at rates higher than most Americans. In the last decade, their use of antidepressants has risen, while their life expectancy has fallen. Many would change jobs if they could.”

It is clear that while many in the ministry are devoting a lot of time and energy to caring for others, they simply are not doing a very good job caring for themselves. Tim Wright—author, minister and himself a marathoner—asserts in his book The Ministry Marathon: “Ministry, by its very nature, demands a great deal of our time and personal investment. The needs of others tend to set the tone for each day. As a result, we often find it difficult to squeeze in time to focus on our own lives.”

“We race from one meeting to the next, from crisis to hospital call, from sermon preparation to denominationally sponsored events. And we barely have the chance to take a breath. We’re continually sprinting through the day, but the sprint never ends. Eventually, we wind up running on empty. We begin to feel the stress mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Some of us are so exhausted, in fact, that we’re ready to give up.”

Four ‘looks’ for running the ministry marathon

I have been a runner for most of my life. But in addition to being a literal runner, I also have been “running” in the marathon of ministry for some 30 years—25 years in pastoral ministry and 12 years in teaching ministry at Dallas Baptist University.

During this time, I certainly have hit my fair share of ministry “walls.” There were seasons in my ministry that seemed to be more like a never-ending, 50-marathons-in-50-days grind. Throughout this race, however, I have discovered several key directional “looks” that have greatly helped me along the way.

I will share these “looks” with you in a series of articles over the next several weeks.

Jim Lemons is professor of theological studies and leadership in the College of Christian Faith at Dallas Baptist University. The views expressed are those solely of the author.

There are stresses to every marriage. We made it 30 relatively peaceful and happy years. We had good communication. My wife was my best friend … until she got depression. We didn’t know if we would make it to 31.

I wondered: What happened? Where is the wife I was married to? Why is she now so manipulative? Why is she so unreasonable, suspicious and untrusting? Why is she crying and sometimes in hysterics? What happened?

The beginning of depression

“It” happened after we both had insanely busy schedules. I was self-employed and in my busy season. I was a deacon, Bible teacher for senior adults, author of an online Bible-teaching ministry and co-commander with my wife in the Awana children’s program. My wife also led a group for moms with college students, co-directed a children’s choir, processed medical claims and kept our business and personal budgets in line, in addition to the normal duties of a homemaker. There was little downtime or opportunity to recharge for either of us.

Busyness can be a trap used by our enemy, the devil.

I wasn’t interested in physical intimacy. I developed a problem common to older men, which made my wife feel insecure. She wondered if something was going on outside our marriage. It wasn’t true, but I couldn’t explain and didn’t understand it myself at the time.

My wife’s hysterics, severe anxiety, insecurity and controlling nature were difficult to understand. No one in our family knew what we were dealing with. It was distressing. She felt like she was slipping into a dark hole and trying to grasp at anything to keep her from falling. She was sometimes suicidal, and so I asked her parents to come over and watch her while I was working. I quit everything but the business and my online ministry to focus on her.

At about the same time, my oldest daughter became engaged to someone we didn’t know and weren’t sure we trusted. She separated herself from my wife—her best friend—because of my wife’s unreasonable and controlling nature.

Her depression worsened, and she felt abandoned and betrayed by her daughter. Things deteriorated in our relationship with our daughter and son-in-law to the point we didn’t go to the wedding. We felt it was the right thing to do, but missing the wedding worsened my wife’s condition.

Trying to deal with depression

We got medical help and counseling when the symptoms were diagnosed, but the depression continued. Medicine was effective only for a couple of days, and then her body rejected them and returned her back to deep depression. This went on for several months as the doctor tried to find the dosage and medicine that would work.

Sometimes, I didn’t want to come home. I didn’t want to be falsely accused or screamed at. Only the sense of duty to my wife and the fear of losing everything—my home, respect from my family and church, all spiritual ministries and my wife—made me stay. I probably would never get her back. She would feel I betrayed her and might even commit suicide.

I also feared the Lord, for he hates divorce. It is an act of violence on the family and is dishonoring to him (Malachi 2:14-16). Nevertheless, we were very close to splitting up half a dozen times.

I prayed in anguish and earnestness daily, feeling the devil was using my wife’s depression to try to break us up. Somehow, God helped us stay together. I might argue I didn’t sign up for this kind of marriage, but yes, I did. I promised to love, honor and cherish her.

Cherishing her even in depression

Cherish—that is the word I needed to focus on. I was concerned mostly about my own pain. I wanted her to stop heaping emotional guilt and pain on me. “I have done nothing to deserve this,” I thought.

But cherish? No, I can’t say I was doing that. I wasn’t treating her as I would wish to be treated. Tired of what I was going through, I sometimes talked harshly with her. I just wanted her to get over it. I wanted “normal.”

But what if it were me? What if it was me falling into the black hole?

I didn’t want to cherish her. I was hurt, but God wanted me to do it. It is what I promised, whether I felt like it or not.

When I started cherishing her, things started to improve. Instead of withdrawing, I moved toward her in kindness. I held her a lot and let her sob.

She replayed her pain and hurt endless times, like a scratched record. And when she did, I tried to sympathize and empathize with her.

When I went to work, I checked on her every two hours. Other friends and family also checked with her regularly; so, she felt supported.

I went to the doctor and got help with my physical problems. This helped her feel more secure.

We prayed together every night. For three years, day and night were an up and down experience, but things gradually got better with time.

My wife also was pro-active in dealing with her depression. She went to counseling, bought a cat to cuddle and pet, took her medicine, used a Happy Light to replicate natural sunlight and improve her moods, tried to get out of the house to change her environment, had daily devotions with the Lord, taped up postcard pictures with Bible verses all over the house, prayed with me, re-focused her life to minister to young mothers and got a new hobby.

Enduring depression

We are not heroes. With the Lord’s help, we survived her depression. Now, we can encourage others.

I tell spouses to be strong. Usually, things will get better with time, much prayer and persevering patience. Cherish your spouse, and you can help him or her through it. Stick with your spouse.

“Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth” (Malachi 2:15, NIV).

Rodney Harrier describes himself as a committed Christian, husband and father. He holds a Bachelor of Science in Bible from Clarks Summit University in Clarks Summit, Pa. He writes one-year daily chronological Bible studies with the mission to help common people understand the Bible and apply it to their lives.