Posted: 10/3/03
When families close the lid on faith
at funerals, what's a preacher to do?
By Ken Camp
Texas Baptist Communications
DALLAS–In a society where half the people claim no religious affiliation, a growing number don't want a minister conducting their funeral. In fact, many are forgoing any memorial service.
When they do, it leaves “a gap” in the grieving process for loved ones left behind, according to Perry Kite, a Baptist layman who served more than 40 years with the Dallas Institute of Funeral Service, first as dean and later as president.
“People end up feeling a loss in not getting to say goodbye and having the opportunity to communicate about the person who is deceased,” said Kite, a deacon at South Garland Baptist Church in suburban Dallas. “When they play like it didn't really happen, it ends up being hard on people.”
Author Doug Manning put it in even starker terms. When there is no funeral, he said, the deceased person remains “missing and presumed dead” to loved ones.
To fill that void, the former Texas Baptist pastor is leading a movement to provide a meaningful secular alternative to religious funerals. Funerals have healing power, and they don't lose that power just because they are not overtly religious, he said.
When non-religious people die, their families and friends need a significant service that reflects the values and life of the deceased, said Manning, writer and publisher of widely distributed resources on grief, including the book “Don't Take My Grief Away from Me.”
“They deserve funerals. They hurt just like we do. But for the most part, all we have offered have been religious funerals,” said the former pastor of First Baptist Church in Hereford.
He didn't call for the church to abandon religious funeral services, just to create an alternative for those who will not have a religious ceremony.
An alternative that emerged more than 10 years ago in Australia and New Zealand is the civil celebrant, a layperson trained to conduct non-religious funerals and weddings, Manning explained. Currently, in parts of New Zealand, civil celebrants perform six out of 10 funerals.
About five years ago, Manning started writing about the “celebrant” concept in funeral home trade publications. In response to the interest expressed, he developed the curriculum for a training program, and about 300 certified celebrants have completed the 16-hour course.
Celebrants offer personalized services focusing on the life of the deceased individual in a way that reflects that person's beliefs and lifestyle, he explained. The services include recollections about the person who died, as well as meaningful readings or songs consistent with that person's values.
One reason some people choose a celebrant is that he or she holds a meeting with the bereaved loved ones, where they are able to tell stories about the deceased and recount fond memories, Manning explained.
“Communication about the deceased and about each other is so important,” Kite affirmed. “It can be a part of the funeral service, or it can be around thebreakfast table, but there needs to be some opportunity for people to communicate their feelings.”
Instead of granting those opportunities, too many ministers minimize them, Manning maintained. They have one or two prepared funeral sermons they use in every instance, without making the effort to spend time with family members and learn about the person who died, he said.
“A funeral can be such a healing thing if it is personalized,” Manning said. “If you don't make it personal, you've missed them.”
Veteran pastor and denominational leader James Semple agreed.
“Something ought to be said about the significance of the life that has been lived,” he said. “It shouldn't be a non-event when any person passes on.”
Semple said he often conducted more than 50 funerals a year during his quarter-century as pastor of First Baptist Church in Paris. He lost track of how many funerals he participated in but said he remembered sometimes leading three a day.
“My main objective has always been to bring comfort to the family,” said Semple, who went on to serve the Baptist General Convention of Texas as director of the State Missions Commission.
“I have rarely preached sermons at funerals. The local funeral directors knew that if I were conducting the service, they could pretty well set their watch by it. Everything would be over in 25 minutes. People at funerals are not interested–or often capable of hearing–a long treatise or discourse.”
Semple customarily met with family members before he prepared his funeral message. He encouraged them to tell stories about the deceased, and he asked if any of those remembrances might be included in the service as a tribute to their lives.
“Nearly everyone has something good that can be said about them,” Semple said.
But not every minister takes the time to show that level of personal interest, particularly in non-church members, Manning said. Instead, they sometimes impose their beliefs on people who are not receptive, or they offer the hope of life after death to those who don't even believe in it.
“If all we do is talk about heaven, we've missed them,” he said.
Some people feel emotionally abused by ministers, Manning noted. “Most people aren't anti-God. But many of them are anti-religion or anti-clergy.”
One reason some people choose celebrants is fear that clergy will turn funerals into inappropriate evangelistic appeals, he said.
“I cringe when a preacher motions toward the deceased and says, 'If he were here today, this is what he would say to you.' And then he ignores the life of that person by trying to make converts,” Manning said. “There is nothing on earth more inappropriate than giving an invitation at a funeral. I've never met anybody who was converted at a funeral.”
Semple differed with Manning, up to a point. Nearly every funeral he has conducted included a simple presentation of the Christian gospel in the service, he said. To dwell only on the positive contributions of the deceased could give listeners the impression that salvation is earned by good works, he noted.
“I would end the service with the promise of Jesus never to leave us alone. I would tell the family the Lord loved them, that he cared for them, and that he would never leave them alone,” he said.
And if a Christian specifically asked that the plan of salvation be presented as part of his or her funeral service so that non-Christian relatives and friends could hear the gospel, Semple granted the request, making a specific evangelistic appeal.
But Semple and Kite agreed with Manning that a public altar call at a funeral would not be appropriate. Rather than calling on sinners to “walk the aisle” and repent, they suggested asking people to raise their hands during a prayer to indicate their desire to make a faith commitment to Christ.
In all his years of ministry, Semple said, he never had anyone request that he do a strictly secular service with no prayer or Scripture. But if a family specifically requested a memorial service with no religious elements in it, he said, “in order to have a relationship with them, I might go along with it. … It is their service.”
Establishing a relationship that can lead to ministry later is one thing that draws some ministers to celebrant training events, Manning said.
“They see it as outreach,” he explained. If a Christian celebrant provides a meaningful memorial service for a non-religious person that honors the life of a deceased and the wishes of survivors, then the believer has earned the right to offer a gospel witness to the bereaved family later in the grieving process.
“For a lot of celebrants who are deeply religious, I can see that it would be hard for them to do a secular service. I'm sure it would be for me,” Kite noted. “But I can think of no greater open door you could have for ministry to a non-Christian. … Honor the person they loved, and they'll welcome you with open arms.
“Minister to them at their time of loss. Then when you go back to see them later, that's when some may be ready to say: 'I see that you have something better than what I've got. Tell me about it.'”
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Administrative Committee. Two were re-elected: Leroy Fenton, First Baptist Church, Waxahachie, and Ellis Orozco, Calvary Baptist Church, McAllen. Three were elected to new terms: Howard Caver, World Missionary Baptist Church, Fort Worth; Bill Shiell, Southland Baptist Church, San Angelo; and Vicki Vaughn, First Baptist Church, San Angelo.
Philippians 4
Recalling the faces of which friends bring you joy?
