Posted: 11/03/06
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Cawindy Spead escaped two abusive relationships and found refuge with daughter Alexis at Buckner Family Pathways. (Photos by Jenny Pope/Buckner) |
No Longer Suffering in Silence
By Jenny Pope
Buckner Benevolences
One American woman in four is abused by a loved one—physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally.
It’s an epidemic widely misunderstood to only affect the poor and uneducated, but abuse affects all communities, regardless of economic status, race, religion or educational background.
Reports from the U.S. Department of Justice indicate intimate partner violence accounted for 20 percent of all violent crimes against women in 2001, and about 32 percent of female murders are at the hands of a spouse or live-in partner. In addition, 25 percent of all rapes occur in marriage, affecting about 75,000 women each year.
Buckner fights back against abuse through counseling and community ministry programs, and self-sufficiency programs like Buckner Family Place and Buckner Family Pathways, which provide single parents with housing and childcare assistance when they go back to school.
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Cawindy Spead escaped two abusive relationships and found refuge at Buckner Family Pathways in Dallas with her children, Omari (right) and Alexis. |
About 80 percent of residents in these programs have abusive backgrounds, said Family Place counselor Brenda Dunn of Lufkin.
“Domestic violence can be deadly, but it can also create a deep emotional gully that’s difficult to overcome,” she said, noting verbal and emotional abuse accounts for the greatest portion of domestic violence, leading to depression, low self-esteem, antisocial behavior and even suicide.
“I can’t really say that one type of abuse (physical or emotional) is worse than another,” said Marissa Phillips, Family Place counselor. “But (victims) seem to recover emotionally much faster from physical abuse than from emotional abuse because it stays with them a lot longer. Bruises heal, but hearing the things they heard can take a lifetime to overcome.”
Cawindy Spead, a resident of Family Pathways in Dallas, may have lived through the physical violence, but she still struggles with the emotional damage caused by her abusive first and second husbands.
“I felt like I was worthless,” she said, remembering the days she prayed to God for strength to leave the marriage.
“He would say the ugliest things to get his point across, like ‘I hate you,’ and ‘You’re stupid.’ If he didn’t get his way, he would say something so bad or so ugly that it would just end the argument,” she said. “Or he would break something.”
One night after a heated argument, her second husband, a minister, took the phone off the wall and threw it across the room and began breaking every glass and dish in the cabinet one by one, she said.
“He got out a knife from the knife drawer and called me a name and said, ‘I will kill you.’ I was sitting there stunned, this was the first time anything like this had happened,” Spead said.
She took her son, Omari, and left the house for a couple of days, but without any money or place to turn, she eventually returned home.
“I shouldn’t have gone back, but we had just gotten married. I wanted to stay. I wanted it to work,” she said.
Unfortunately, the violence didn’t only affect Spead, but Omari, too, who had longed for a father and friend after his parents divorced.
“Before I got married, he was a normal kid,” she said. “He had good eye contact, and his confidence was so high. Omari was happy go-lucky.”
But the relationship “really affected him,” she said. “He started to walk with his head down and with no eye contact. He was really protective of me and always wanted to fight (my husband) away.”
After a year of her second husband’s emotional and verbal abuse, Spead mustered the strength to leave after giving birth to her second child, Alexis, and receiving one last ominous threat.
“He said, I think it is best that you leave, or you may end up on the news,” she said. “At that time, I knew it was best for me to go. I know God hates divorce, but at the same time, I knew he didn’t want this life for me.”
Since moving to Family Pathways, Spead said, “it’s like every day I’m getting my joy back, little by little. I’m able to concentrate on what I need to do, in order to have a future for me and my kids. This place makes that possible, and it means so much to me.”
She graduated from El Centro Community College in September, and was among the first graduating class of the Family Pathways program. She now prepares for the state exam to become a fully accredited licensed vocational nurse.
“I’m not bitter” about the past, she said. “I asked God to take that away from me. I regret that it turned out this way; I didn’t want to be a single parent again. But I will not go through that abuse ever again. I’ve learned that you have to love yourself enough to take care of yourself first.”
In addition to the Family Place and Family Pathways program, Buckner assists many victims of domestic abuse in the Dallas area through community ministry programs at the Vickery Wellness Center and The Parks at Wynnewood.
About 80 percent of women in the Vickery community experience domestic abuse, according to Vickery Wellness Center site Coordinator Maria Pacheco. In a highly populated, low-income Hispanic immigrant community, many women have nobody to turn to and feel trapped in abusive relationships because of immigration laws, language barriers and lack of finances.
Immigrant women suffer higher rates of battering than U.S. citizens because they may come from cultures that accept domestic violence or because they have less access to legal and social services, according to the Family Violence Prevention Fund.
Buckner and the New Beginning Center, a Dallas-based counseling center that provides services for victims of domestic violence, work together to educate the abused on how to be safe, plan escape options in the most dangerous of situations and offer support groups and advice on how to keep children safe.
Within three months of the new partnership, six women sought counsel for abuse—a huge victory for a community that prides itself on keeping problems within the family and has little trust for outsiders, Pacheco said.
Behavioral problems run rampant in children of abusive families, she added, noting that research shows child abuse occurs in 70 percent of families that experience domestic abuse.
“We’ll see children or teens sometimes with truancy, self-esteem problems, academic, emotional and behavioral problems. They’ll be withdrawn and shy, not as confident to take risks or try new things,” she said.
“Or they’ll hit one another to express their anger. It usually is a problem that started all the way at the top—there’s a dad who’s dealing with issues which he vents on his wife, and then she’ll in turn vent on her children.”
The Parks at Wynnewood apartments, a low-income community located in Southwest Dallas, sees about 45 percent of its female residents in abusive relationships, said Buckner/ Wynnewood Community Services Center site Coordinator Johnny Flowers.
“And that’s only the residents that we actually know about,” Flowers said. “So many of the women who are abused don’t report the incident, and you only hear about it when the kids bring it up. They just think it’s the normal way of life.”
The Parks at Wynnewood assists and counsels more than 150 women who have experienced domestic violence.
“A lot of women do nothing about abuse because they don’t know that there’s help for them,” Pacheco said. “But Buckner is here, ultimately, to be a light for them and to let them know that they don’t have to go through the abuse alone. We’re here to help.”
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