Commentary by Jinny Henson: Black Friday

Posted: 12/08/06

COMMENTARY:
Black Friday

By Jinny Henson

It was Black Friday, the fabled day after Thanksgiving and I had absolutely no desire to shop. The consumerism, the materialism…I was taking the moral high ground and refusing to shop. My mother and I discussed how crazy people were to get up at dawn’s crack and fight fellow citizens for the last low-priced cart wheeling tiger or karaoke machine.

But then I realized we needed orange juice and milk. Hmmm…you know, Target had such great prices on those things….a full .17 cents cheaper on the O.J. and a whopping .23 on the milk. It was the only fiscally responsible move one could make.

The parking lot looked deceptively empty. As I ventured inside I was actually surprised at the lack of humanity therein. I decided innocently enough just to breeze through the electronics section. Between the 13 steps of the Entrance sign and the first check out station something animalistic took over within me. I spotted two hand-held DVD players in a basket, shocked that they still had any left. I asked the lucky souls where they had found these barganzas at the late hour of 9 a.m. when the sale started promptly at 5.

“Over in electronics….we got two of the last ones.”

Uh-uh. The gauntlet was thrown down. If there was even one of those individual DVD players left in the entire store, it was mine. My basket, on two wheels now, spun around the corner in haste. I was like a crack addict jonesing for the next hit. Something internally propelled my body forward as the mild-mannered “It’s really about Jesus’ birthday” alter-ego watched on in horror, unable to tame her.

I read each approaching basket for clues as to my proximity to the DVD player. Searching the end caps in my peripheral vision, I darted through the clothing, “furnishings,” and bedding. Finally, I arrived! But, was I too late?

Each one of the 600 carts I sped past had a player in it. How many could this store stock at once and if every Target on the planet had them on for this cheap, what were my odds?

I quickly arrived and asked the photo lady whose job it was clearly not to know where the sale items were where the hand-held DVD players were. “Let’s see…” She sneered patronizingly and lazily gestured, “They were right over there. You know, the sale did start at 5.”

Undaunted, I figured that there had to be at least one indecisive consumer like me out there; prone to put large cuts of meat back in the cereal aisle and stick woks on top of the tropical fish when I changed my mind. So, my strategy revamped, I set out on recon.

Like the 7 foot cut out of the dude in camo just 2 rows over, I was a hunter with no intention to leave without my prey. Up and down the aisles I searched. “Just one.” like Rain man I mumbled repeatedly, “Just one.” I was serious about this because only 33 other stores advertised these gadgets and who knows when I could next find one. It may mean me waiting, say, until 12:30 or possibly even later. This was a limited offer and the profundity of it all had not escaped my notice.

Up and down, to no avail. Then suddenly a strange thing happened as I began to drift farther and farther from the frenzied electronics department…the veil lifted as quickly as it had descended. I began walking away from any possibility of that once in a lifetime bargain and simply walked toward my gallon of milk. I was momentarily a Patty Hurst, held captive by the manipulative, endorphin-elevating shopper’s thirst. But not for long.

I gathered my milk, selected my orange juice and checked out. My senses had returned and my emotions, cooled. I had a good laugh at what an incredibly easy mark I was and made an important vow. Next year. there’s no way I’ll be so foolish. I’ll get there right at 5.

Jinny Henson is an author and stand-up comic who performs for churches and comedy clubs nationwide. When not unleashing her wacky sense of humor, this Baylor University graduate is a preacher's wife, nutty blonde and soccer mom. You can find out more about her at www.jinnyhenson.com.