Adoptive families find God’s love across racial lines

Posted: 2/17/06

Adoptive families find God’s love across racial lines

By Felicia Fuller

Buckner Benevolences

AUBREY—With her pigtails, purple separates and painted fingernails, 5-year-old Quincy is the quintessential girly girl. She even slurps fruit juice with gentility—pinkie extended, lips lightly pursed around the straw.

She is her mother made-over—apart from one feature. Quincy is black. Her mom, Heather Walden, is white—a bond made possible through adoption.

“You’ve heard the argument, is personality nurture or nature? Well, I say it’s a little bit of both,” said her father, Chris Walden. “I love that Quincy likes pink, frilly dresses and tea parties. And our son Jeremiah, well, he’s all boy—rough and tumble.”

Gender identity aside, the children also have a healthy sense of their birth-cultures, thanks to the couple’s savvy efforts to promote diversity in their home and community. Walden and his wife of 13 years adopted the African-American twins at birth through Buckner Adoption and Maternity Services after a four-year struggle with infertility.

Chris Walden plays with his adopted twin children, Quincy and Jeremiah.

“A couple of years before we decided to adopt, Heather was listening to KCBI (radio), and they were talking about children who were hard to place,” Walden recalled. “At that point, they had about three or four African-American children that needed to be adopted. They said for anyone who was interested to contact Buckner.”

Walden, pastor of Rock Hill Baptist Church in rural Aubrey, said they made the decision to adopt across racial lines carefully and prayerfully. Among their considerations: Does a white family have what it takes to teach black children about their history, instill ethnic pride and equip them to stand strong against racism?

If the timbre in the Walden home today is any indication, the answer is “yes.” Beyond strategic placement of black art and regular visits from black friends, the Waldens are deliberate in educating Quincy and Jeremiah about history, race, racism and their identity in Christ. Heavy topics for young minds, but the Waldens are resolute. Alongside Thomas the Train and Barbie memorabilia are richly illustrated children’s books about slavery, segregation, integration and the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr.

Then there’s Quincy’s personal favorite, Horace, about a spotted leopard adopted by stripped tigers who goes in search of his roots only to discover that home is where the heart is, and your family doesn’t have to look like you to love you.

Mrs. Walden, a stay-at-home mother, launched a personal crusade to get more children’s books like Horace depicting diverse characters in her local library. And it worked.

Adela Jones, clinical director for Buckner Adoption and Maternity Services, applauds the family’s efforts.

“Adoptive parents who are flexible, open-minded and have diversity in their relationships are ideally suited for trans-racial placements,” she said. “The wise ones know that color-blind love isn’t always enough, because the world we live in still sees black and white.”

Once vilified by the National Association of Black Social Workers for robbing children of their cultural identity, trans-racial adoption is increasingly more common and accounts for 20 percent of domestic placements at Buckner.

“It is a viable solution for children languishing in foster care,” Jones contended. “But its success largely depends on honesty and open communication among families. Children placed trans-racially must learn their history, receive affirmation for who and what they are, and be surrounded by other people who look like them.”

Despite such strategies, families report that even their trips to the supermarket can be met with insensitivity and resistance.

“If we’re out as a family, I feel very comfortable. It’s when it’s me with them by myself that I get ‘disapproving’ looks,” Mrs. Walden said, recalling an incident at her local grocer when a cashier took one look at the children and asked if she would be paying with food stamps.

“People stare, children taunt and strangers ask rude questions. To be constantly asked, ‘Are you the baby-sitter?’ or ‘Is your husband black?’ can be trying. Some days I want to tell them, ‘My life is none of your business,’” said Melanie Avent, adoptive mother of Gracen, 6, and Ross, 4—both biracial.

Being part of a multiracial family invariably heightens awareness of racism and often inspires parents to action, Jones continued.

That’s why dialogues about difference are common in the Avent household in Waxahachie.

As she flips through pages of The Underground Railroad coloring book chronicling black slaves’ efforts to escape captivity, Mrs. Avent said: “I know that I’m not ever going to experience the amount of racism that an African-American would and that my children will, but in some ways I’m glad (the stares and negative comments) are happening so I can have some sort of personal experience to draw on when they need my help with that kind of thing.”

Most distributing, she said, is some people’s assumption that she adopted children of color as an act of charity.

“What they don’t understand is I needed them even more than they needed me. We went through in vitro two times, and it didn’t work for us. But we knew that adoption would work. When it came time to go to Buckner, and we were asked to make a choice of what race of child we would accept, we didn’t have to think about it. Maybe that sounds a little naïve. We just knew that God would bring our children to us, and he would work it all out.”

Both the Avent and Walden families recently joined the Shades of Love support group Buckner founded to encourage families who have adopted across color lines.

The kickoff meeting held Jan. 21 drew more than 10 families who discussed topics ranging from ethnic hair care to teaching children how to counter unkind comments.

“I wanted my children to see that we’re not a strange family,” Mrs. Avent said.

“This is our normal, and it’s normal for other people, too. They can make friends that are just like them, and I can make friends that have some of the same experiences that I have.”

Her husband, John, expressed his thoughts about the couple’s adoption journey.

“As time passes, you think of them less as adopted kids or black kids. They are just our kids,” he said. “We show them God’s love and teach them it’s not what’s on the outside that matters. It’s what’s on the inside.”

And the couple has gotten nods from the children’s birthmothers. Mrs. Avent was present in the delivery room when Ross was born and maintains close ties with Gracen’s birthmother and birthfather.

“I met the Avents at the Buckner domestic adoption picnic, and we hit it off immediately,” said Gracen’s birthmother, Laura Clowers, who is white.

“I’d been struggling financially and saw adoption as the best option for Gracen. I talked to several agencies, but I felt best about Buckner. The Avents are committed to each other and committed to providing a home filled with love and one that teaches their children to be proud of who they are. They are wise and loving and give me confidence that I made the right decision.”

The affirmation brings a smile to Mrs. Avent’s face.

As she glanced across the room at Gracen and Ross playing contently, she paused then said: “God created them, and he wanted them to be who they are. He wanted them to have brown skin and dark, curly hair and brown eyes. And he wanted their mom to have white skin and straight hair and blue eyes. They are what children between me and John look like. And I think they’re beautiful.”