Mothers who place babies with Buckner find help at retreat_110804

Posted: 11/05/04

Mothers who place babies with Buckner find help at retreat

By Felicia Fuller

Buckner News Service

ROYSE CITY–Open adoption lifts the veil of secrecy once associated with placement, but Mayra Marquez, 21, says the process is no less painful–even 19 months after the ink has dried.

“There've been a lot of ups and downs. Right now, I'm in my valley,” she said. “It's a lot of struggle–a lot of hard work–but much love and thought went into my decision.”

Marquez was among nine young women from across Texas who gathered at Sabine Creek Ranch in Royse City recently for the fourth annual birthmothers retreat, sponsored by Buckner Adoption and Maternity Services.

Four facilitators from Buck-ner led workshops on making peace with the past, developing healthy coping skills, enriching interpersonal relationships and turning past failure into future successes. The retreat is offered free of charge to birthmothers who have placed or will place their child with Buckner.

“A lot of women who place are not able to grieve appropriately,” said Courtney Warren, community relations coordinator for Buckner Adoption and Maternity Services.

“Society in general has a difficult time understanding the grief of a decision that was, after all, a voluntary one. The retreat provides a weekend away from distractions during which birthmothers and prospective birthmothers can be together to share and normalize their feelings. It is so important for them to build bonds with other birthmothers, while at the same time they are getting valuable information from our clinicians about handling issues in a healthy way.”

At seven months pregnant, Cara Blackmon, 25, traveled from Houston for the event. She said it provided a venue for her to vent her feelings and glean wisdom from other women.

Before the closing devotion on the final day, she shared that during moments of resolve, she considers adoption the best decision “knowing that I might not be able to provide everything I want to give him like the security of having two loving parents.”

She expressed trepidation when expressing her feelings for her unborn son.

“I do love him very much and, sometimes, think maybe I should try to raise him on my own,” she said.

“One of the things I question is whether my child would grow up and think I didn't love him enough to try. I know, however, that this is in his best interest. Through open adoption, I can always be there if he needs me.”

Counseling is helping Blackmon sort through her feelings and weigh the consequences of her decision.

“It's easy to get caught up in your emotions when you're pregnant. I'm trying to realistically look at things and not judge myself and be convicted by guilt. The retreat has been great. Communication is crucial to getting through this.”

This was the second time Marquez attended the retreat. She said she returned for the camaraderie, counseling and re-affirmation that she made the best decision.

With no support from her baby's father and little money saved from her job at a pizza restaurant, Marquez says she was unprepared financially and emotionally to be a parent. “There's no way I could afford at least $12,000 a year for a baby,” she explained. “I felt that somebody who was not able to have children would be better blessed than I would.”

In her seventh month of pregnancy, after researching adoption agencies throughout Texas, Marquez contacted Buckner for placement.

“They told me all their families were Christian and carefully screened, so I was excited about that,” she said. Marquez purposefully picked a large brood– a couple with three children, including two adopted.

Over the next several weeks, she attended counseling sessions and meetings with the family, including one at the obstetrician's office.

“They got to see the ultrasound,” she recalled. “I fell in love with them. They were awesome, very understanding, and they were not quick to judge. They were interested in how I was going to be afterward and how involved I wanted to be.”

Today, Marquez enjoys frequent contact with the family, even traveling from Odessa to North Richland Hills to witness her birth son's first haircut.

“They all came to my hometown for his first birthday,” she said, beaming.

Though she's pleased with the arrangement and confident in her decision, Marquez acknowledged she still mourns the loss of motherhood.

“We have to put on a facade because it helps strengthen us for awhile,” she said. “Then we can go behind closed doors and cry our eyes out.

“But when you have your quiet time and you hear the voice of God saying, 'It's OK to break down and it's OK to have regrets, but think of the blessing you're giving someone else,' you know this was his will.”