Cybercolumn by Brett Younger: Like no one’s watching_92004

Posted: 9/03/04

CYBERCOLUMN:
Like no one’s watching

By Brett Younger

Alfonso Soriano and I were on television together—sort of. On Staff Appreciation Day—which ought to rank just behind Easter and Christmas among church holidays—my family hit the jackpot. We received tickets to a Texas Rangers’ game.

When I buy tickets we, sit close to teenage fans with painted faces, pigeons and God. Since “bleachers” and “upper bleachers” are about the same, I don’t pay much attention to where our seats are located. But on this occasion, I noticed “VIP infield, Row 1.” I thought our friend was kidding when she handed me the tickets and said: “Dress well, because you’re right behind the plate. You’ll be on TV the whole time.”

When we got to the game, I decided that we were far enough toward first base that we weren’t on TV. Not being televised made it easier to sit back, relax and enjoy watching millionaires scratch themselves.

Then during the third inning, Carol’s parents called to tell us that of the 44,348 at the Ballpark, the four of us were the ones in living color. We had been warned, “If you’re on TV, don’t be the guy who talks on his cell phone and waves, ‘Look, Ma, I’m on TV,’” so we tried to stay calm.

My father-in-law wanted to know why we were unhappy. None of us thought we were unhappy, but now we felt the need to look giddy. We could wave our arms and cheer, but the camera was on us only until the batter made contact. Gesticulating wildly when nothing was going on would have been peculiar.

Carol decided to say “hello” to her mom in sign language. The sign for “Grandma” is not subtle— a thumb to the chin and 10 fingers extended like a spider. Those who do not know sign language could interpret it as an obscene gesture.

I began to think I should have dressed differently. I was wearing a plain blue T-shirt, which seemed reasonable, but now I wondered if I should have worn a T-shirt that makes a statement—”Amnesty International,” “Bread for the World” “Broadway Baptist Church!” Maybe I should have dyed my hair and held up “John 3:16.” Could I have gotten people to look up “Isaiah 22:18”? “God will seize firm hold of you, whirl you round and round and throw you like a ball.”

In the sixth inning, we discovered that Graham had eaten two-thirds of our peanuts before we left home. This would normally lead to a gentle reprimand, but no one wants to lecture their child on Channel 27.

Caleb decided to go for cotton candy. I thought it would make me look like a good father, so I went with him. Should we buy pink or blue? Which looks better?

We watched a tape the day after the game. The Toronto Blue Jays, who lost 11-2, looked better than we did. Why didn’t we tell Graham to put his feet down? Why didn’t we kiss when the Rangers scored? Why does eating a sucker make you look like one? Why did I take off my cap?

So here’s what I learned from my brush with stardom: The camera really does add 10 pounds. Sunglasses make even the gentlest minister look like a member of the Mafia. And most obviously, caring that somebody is watching keeps you from enjoying yourself.

Reinhold Niebuhr said that we need a “genuine Christian nonchalance”—indifference to the foolishness in the world. He means that Christians shouldn’t care about the stupid things other people care about.

But next time, I will get a haircut.

Brett Younger is pastor of Broadway Baptist Church in Fort Worth and the author of “Who Moved My Pulpit? A Hilarious Look at Ministerial Life,” available from Smyth & Helwys (800) 747-3016.